ARIES (March 21 – April 19): A manager or colleague may approach you at work seeking your input, but perhaps it’s better to avoid any hanky-panky in the workplace.
TAURUS (April 20 – May 20): If you thought accidentally calling your teacher “mom” in grade school was embarrassing, you might want to brace yourself for your math TA’s reaction to being addressed as “bruh.”
GEMINI (May 21 – June 21): An extremely potent cocktail of nervous energy and adrenaline is swirling around your system and you need to find a way to release it before you start climbing the walls. The stars recommend another type of potent cocktail.
CANCER (June 22 – July 22): You will spend the week languishing in your apartment, watching movies about people who have better lives than you do – which is really about everyone if you think about it. Gosh, maybe it’s time to finally give “Orange is the New Black” a try.
LEO (July 23 – Aug. 22): You have been going through a difficult time lately, and may have recently dealt with a harsh personal loss. Now is a good time to reflect upon the five stages of grief: jungle level, city slums, sewer stage, robot factory and wizard castle.
VIRGO (Aug. 23 – Sept. 22): You’re finally feeling brave enough to get that cute new infinity symbol wrist tattoo. The arrival of spring will provide a fantastic opportunity for you to demonstrate how every single element of your personality is a tacky, tired cliche.
LIBRA (Sept. 23 – Oct. 23): You will have an awkward encounter at the local dog shelter after only too belatedly realizing that “pom” looks a lot like “porn” in the right typeface.
SCORPIO (Oct. 24 – Nov. 21): A new life will be promised to you soon: new contacts, new engagements, growing friendships, a prospect of movement, social promotion or a pregnancy scare could be right around the corner.
SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21): Dealing with restrictions placed on you by a close friend or lover may be more difficult than you anticipated. Maybe you’ll be a bit more careful with the keys for those fuzzy handcuffs next time.
CAPRICORN (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19): You may have to pinch pennies this week as you continue to experience financial troubles. Look on the bright side: you have been spared from having to know anything about the agony millionaires suffer by having to support social services with their taxes.
AQUARIUS (Jan. 20 – Feb. 18): Despite recent setbacks, your optimistic side will eventually win out. Meanwhile, your pragmatic side will sigh dramatically and silently begin measuring your optimistic side for its casket.
PISCES (Feb. 19 – March 20): After a fly-by-night academic windfall during midterms, adding a higher GPA to your list of long-term goals seems like a great idea – along with ruling the world and accomplishing the alchemical Great Work.