ARIES (March 21 – April 19): Either your birthday just happened, or it is fast approaching. Regardless, in the words of Tom Haverford, treat yo self. Just don’t treat yo self to a night in RCPD’s drunk tank.
TAURUS (April 20 – May 20): Your temper will get the best of you this week and when it does, you’ll learn a lesson that most of us have known since kindergarten: don’t pick a fight with the kid that’s bigger than you.
GEMINI (May 21 – June 20): Don’t distract yourself with thoughts of what might have been or could be. Be present in the moment, before your macaroni catches on fire and burns the house down.
CANCER (June 21 – July 22): Put down your massive red claws and scuttle away from any work conflict you encounter this week. Nothing good will come from putting yourself in hot water.
LEO (July 23 – Aug. 22): Your roar is quite intimidating, dear Leo. But haven’t you heard? The louder the roar, the bigger the bore.
VIRGO (Aug. 23 – Sept. 22): Just stop sucking so much, Virgo. Seriously.
LIBRA (Sept. 23 – Oct. 22): Everybody sucks. The sooner you accept this, the happier you will be.
SCORPIO (Oct. 23 – Nov. 21): It’s true, everyone is talking about you – though no one can remember your name.
SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21): Stay strong, Sagittarius. Everything will work out for the best. Or the worst. I don’t know, I’m not a psychic.
CAPRICORN (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19): Try to understand that your friends just want what’s best for you, which does not include that stash of you-know-what under your bed.
AQUARIUS (Jan. 20 – Feb. 18): Don’t be afraid to ask for what you want. No one will blame you, especially not those Girl Scouts who benefit from you wanting their entire stock of Thin Mints.
PISCES (Feb. 19 – March 20): Ever get the feeling that nothing you do really matters? No? Good, me neither.