ARIES (March 21 – April 19): You are now entering a monthlong phase where intimate relations with your preferred brand of romantic partner will flourish, thanks to your easygoing attitude, your propensity for harmony and kindness – and your tendency toward throwing back tequila shots like Kool-Aid.
TAURUS (April 20 – May 20): Intimate relationships begin to blossom this week and will continue to flourish until early May. Celebrate and enjoy this time, since it is likely to be the longest lasting relationship you will ever experience in your entire socially maladjusted life.
GEMINI (May 21 – June 20): This week, you are ready to give your all to anything that will help put an extra buck or two in your pocket. Now might be a good time to conveniently “forget” to mention that Swiss bank account to your tax accountant.
CANCER (June 21 – July 22): This is a marvelous week for solving any problems that you are encountering in your work or school-related relationships recently. Everyone will be far too distracted by the impending threat of tax week to bother to look for the bodies.
LEO (July 23 – Aug. 22): There seems to be a strange, tense atmosphere all around you this week, likely because someone is being difficult. It’s probably you. Stop it.
VIRGO (Aug. 23 – Sept. 22): Lately, it feels as though all your energy and motivation are draining out through the very soles of your feet, making it challenging to do anything even remotely strenuous. Ideally, you could take the day off for a nice long rest; or, you could just put the bottle down and go to class, you lazy ingrate.
LIBRA (Sept. 23 – Oct. 22): If you’ve been searching for the ideal man or woman for a romantic match, there’s a chance you will discover they have been right on your doorstep this whole time … perhaps sleeping under a pile of newspapers and begging for spare change. Hey, beggars can’t be choosers.
SCORPIO (Oct. 23 – Nov. 21): If you’re currently single and looking, you could soon meet a certain sexy someone who will have an enchanting and entrancing effect on you. Just don’t get your hopes up that the effect will be reciprocal.
SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21): This is going to get a wonderful month to lavish time, affection and money on your family, friends and, most ideally, on your own home. I mean, that $112 tax refund can buy you at least, like, three swanky throw pillows at Pier 1 Imports.
CAPRICORN (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19): It feels as though there’s a wall separating you from your loved ones lately. Maybe you’re physically separated by distance, or perhaps there’s an emotional gulf between you. Actually, maybe the wall is padded because they’re tired of your $%!# and finally called the nice people in the white coats to haul you off.
AQUARIUS (Jan. 20 – Feb. 18): Your spirits really take a dive this week, making everything feel flat and somewhat tasteless. Maybe next time, remember to put the cork back in the bubbly before sticking it in the fridge for long-term store.
PISCES (Feb. 19 – March 20): If a bout of bad self-esteem hits and you start to feel really bad about yourself this week, just try to think of all the good and positive things you’ve achieved in your life, such as … uhhhh … hm … yeah, the stars will have to get back to you on that one later.