CANCER (June 21 – July 22): Take a good, hard look at your current situation and really consider: is it truly all that bad? You’ve been griping about it for months on end. Try to consider the alternative: the grass that seems greener from the other side may actually be an endless field of glowing nuclear waste. Given your penchant against foresight, what’s really the most likely scenario here?
LEO (July 23 – Aug. 22): Treat your nearest and dearest with the respect they deserve this week. That could mean anything from spilling a scalding cup of their morning coffee on their lap and burning their toast, to bringing them a four-course breakfast in bed. It really depends on what you feel like you can get away with.
VIRGO (Aug. 23 – Sept. 22): It’s all fun and games until someone gets their eye poked out. In fact, sometimes it’s even more fun after they get their eye poked out, so long as you are on the right end of the sharpened stick. Keep this in mind when your best frenemy asks you to join them in a game of pool this weekend.
LIBRA (Sept. 23 – Oct. 22): Your longing to experience the great outdoors may be quickly quelled when your idyllic nature walk is interrupted by a very persistent horny opossum. The stars suggest you skip the prairie trails and treat yourself to an afternoon at the mall instead.
SCORPIO (Oct. 23 – Nov. 21): You are often called coldhearted, but since you don’t have a heart at all, it’s really a compliment of the highest degree. Go ahead and show them just how abhorrent you can really be when you put your mind to it. See if you can outdo yourself – you love a good challenge.
SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21): This week, you will be gripped by an insatiable thirst for knowledge that will only be satisfied after poring over several dozen news sites for the latest info on world affairs. Tragically, by the time you are finished, you head will be crammed with new information, but your your soul will feel empty.
CAPRICORN (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19): You currently have the opportunity to get all indignant over someone whom you feel is paying an inappropriate amount of attention to you, while simultaneously being totally thrilled to be getting any kind of attention at all.
AQUARIUS (Jan. 20 – Feb. 18): You can stay up all night studying and preparing Aquarius, but even the most perfunctory facts slips through your brain like a sieve. No matter how much effort you put into whatever it is you’re doing, I wouldn’t hold my breath for a miraculous success. Good practice is no match for bad genetics.
PISCES (Feb. 19- March 20): Most people have a driving purpose in life – but not you. As usual, you will spend this week drifting about on the Internet, dreaming plans that have no hope of ever coming to fruition in between watching porn and cat videos. Nobody is interested in your hopeless schemes or your Pinterest boards. Give it up already.
ARIES (March 21 – April 19): In a last-ditch effort to discover where your true talents lie, you will hire a personal life coach. You will pay this person a significant lump sum only to have them inform you that you actually aren’t terribly skilled at much of anything. They’ll cash your check anyway.
TAURUS (April 20 – May 20): If you hear voices, under no circumstances tell anyone else what they’re saying. Excuse yourself and take the conversation somewhere private. Your friends can barely stay awake for your own humdrum diatribes, let alone those of the voices in your head.
GEMINI (May 21 – June 20): You’ll go to work on time just as usual, but end up shirking your duties in favor of hanging around the water cooler, pumping your coworkers for the latest gossip, since any inkling of ambition or propriety is completely obscured by your massive appetite for drama.