CANCER (June 21 – July 22): This week could leave you feeling as emotionally raw as an early bird prime rib special. Remember this when your family, friends, colleagues and neighbors start hurling all sorts of “unprovoked” vitriol at you. Just repeat your personal mantra: “It’s not me, it’s them.” Always better to blame others, right Cancer?
LEO (July 23 – Aug. 22): When it comes to protecting what’s yours, you’re the undisputed master. Do whatever it is you have to do to defend your assets, even if it means physically attacking the interloper or peeing in a circle on your carpet to mark your territory. It’s all a part of the process and hey, there’s always OxiClean once the danger has passed.
VIRGO (Aug. 23 – Sept. 22): Why is it always them and not you?! You’re jealous of everyone this week. If it seems like everybody is having more fun than you, that’s because they are. So go on, consider a “World of Warcraft” subscription. It won’t make your life any more thrilling, but at least you’ll be less likely to feel the dull hours of your stale existence slipping away.
LIBRA (Sept. 23 – Oct. 22): One of these days, Libra, you’ll decide that lying just isn’t worth the trouble — but that realization is a long time coming yet, isn’t it? In the meantime, enjoy lying and deceiving your underdeveloped little soul away.
SCORPIO (Oct. 23 – Nov. 21): If you choose to just lie there waiting for success to grace you with its presence, you’ll have bedsores by the time it deigns to arrive. Stop expecting the things you desire to magically appear before you. Go out and steal the life you want from someone else.
SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21): When someone irritates you — and let’s face it, someone is always irritating you — visualize yourself someplace calm, peaceful and refreshing. If that doesn’t work, stalk them secretly until you discover their true weakness and then execute a calculated scheme to ruin every good thing in their life.
CAPRICORN (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19): You’ve been itching to hop on the first plane out of town and escape from it all — more for the relief of leaving than the excitement of arriving. Some would call it “escaping from reality,” and they’re not wrong. See if you can find a more diplomatic way to phrase it to your boss, though.
AQUARIUS (Jan. 20 – Feb. 18): Normally, you aren’t the sentimental type, but this week you will be unexpectedly swept away by wistful memories of better days gone by. Unfortunately, all of these memories are from a TV show that got cancelled in 2001 and not from your actual life, but you’ll take what you can get.
PISCES (Feb. 19 – March 20): To some people, the glass is half full; to others, the glass is half empty. Life has never been a bowl of cherries for you, Pisces … more like a bowl of olives. Actually, a glass of olives. A martini glass. The glass IS empty, actually. You chugged it.
ARIES (March 21 – April 19): A late-night review of your recent browser history has you wondering if you might need to go spend some time in church. Or do you? Perhaps the weight of your sins has finally become so heavy that you can cancel that expensive gym membership.
TAURUS (April 20 – May 20): You finally scored a hot date! After all that pain, suffering, humiliation and life-coaching, some poor sap has finally agreed to go out with you. Amazing what a decent hair piece and a shower will do! Just don’t go screwing it up by talking about your alien-abduction-sex-slave fantasy … again.
GEMINI (May 21 – June 20): You could start to feel better about a recent letdown when you finally discover someone else to conveniently pin the blame on. This will lift a humongous weight from your shoulders, leaving your mind free to make even bigger, grander mistakes.