Never Seen It: ‘Raiders of the Lost Ark’

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It’s time for another installment in this series of reviews. In it, I take a look at iconic movies that I get made fun of for never having seen. Today’s edition focuses on “Indiana Jones and Raiders of the Lost Ark.”

Best hat: Indiana’s. It’s so iconic, even I know about it.

Worst jacket: His first sidekick’s. It is tan, tattered and covered in every spider on Earth. Admittedly, I’m no fashion buff, but the thousand-spider-jacket seem like an obvious cry for attention.

Worst name based on a state: Indiana Jones. Better names included Virginia, “Dani California,” and every oil tycoon that insists on being called Tex.

Best profession: Anthropology. Just how are all anthropologists so good looking?

Worst people-person: Indiana Jones. In the first half-hour of this movie, he’s been betrayed three times, attempted to kill three people and slapped in the face. There has to be a reason for that.

Best surprise: This movie is straight silly. There is so much slapstick. And I’m pretty sure that monkey just gave a Nazi salute.

Worst line: “There is not one brain among them. Except one.”

Best hatred: Snakes. Seems entirely reasonable when they come by the dungeon-full.

Worst movie genre: Action. I can’t stand action movies. They’re so boring. This blows up, you jump this thing, and guns – I get it already. But even I have to say, this action movie is great. I see why it’s so well thought of with original stunts, an actually interesting story, and a sense of humor. Plus, one of the bad guys just threw a watermelon at a dog.

Best reaction to an unexpected kiss: Bursting into enthusiastic opera.

Worst way to die: Apocalyptic face-melting. You’ve probably made some wrong turns in your life if you die by apocalyptic face-melting. And those turns start at college, my friends. But no pressure.

Best movie I’ve seen this week: “Indiana Jones and the Raiders of the Lost Ark.” I give it five out of five stars. You really have no excuse for not having seen it.

Jonathan Greig is a senior in anthropology.

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Jonathan Greig
Hi, I’m Jonathan. I graduate this December, majoring in Anthropology, with minors in Creative Writing and Political Science. After that … we’ll see. Maybe graduate school in environmental anthropology. Maybe I’ll finally pursue my old childhood dream of becoming an infomercial host. It’s up in the air. Some of my interests and hobbies include devout sports fanaticism, religious study, and composing country songs that serve to explain the unearthly amount of disdain I have for country music. My band’s called Catfish Hurricane, you should check us out. Well, actually, you shouldn’t. I love writing, which is how I accidentally stumbled into this job. This stumbling into good things is my plan for life in general.