CANCER (June 21 – July 22): Schlepping off to work will seem like a picnic this week compared to the domestic battleground you’ll be dealing with. You might not even want to bother with going home. Does your break room have a couch? Evasion is your only key to happiness.
LEO (July 23 – Aug. 22): Now is a good time to seek the sense of deep understanding you’ve always longed for. Channel your inner aesthetic monk and focus on clearing your mind. Just spend an afternoon thinking about nothing at all. Try not to injure yourself, though. Your brain isn’t used to this kind of intense workout.
VIRGO (Aug. 23 – Sept. 22): It’s a great week to strike up a brand new friendship with a stranger. Use your best judgment when selecting someone with whom you wish to chat, though that doesn’t mean much for you. Your last BFF was that guy who smelled like whiskey and farts and lived in his car. On second thought, forget making friends. Just get a dog.
LIBRA (Sept. 23 – Oct. 22): Use your skillful and cunning ways to help someone else get what they want. Not only will it be an ego boost (not that you really need one), but it will count as your good deed done for the month. Besides, then they’ll owe you.
SCORPIO (Oct. 23 – Nov. 21): You are especially direct and opinionated this week, Scorpio. You’ll feel the need to express yourself in a variety of situation: in meetings, on the phone with your mother, in the supermarket checkout line … never realizing that everyone else around you is looking at each other and rolling their eyes. Some things are better left unsaid … especially when they’re coming out of your mouth.
SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21): Switch up your morning routine by trying out a new brand of bathroom tissue. Pretend it’s the lover you wish you had, gently caressing your bottom. Maybe this will put you in a better mood, or at least put a damper on the self-pity party long enough for you to get something done.
CAPRICORN (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19): Pick up all of those old magazines strewn about the living room floor and take them out to recycling. Organizing your living space might be the first step towards putting that crazy head of yours in order, and your friends will all be grateful that your porn collection is no longer in their direct line of sight.
AQUARIUS (Jan. 20 – Feb. 18): If you’re itching to make some changes in your home, please consider contacting someone who actually knows how to decorate. I don’t care how much HGTV you watch – anyone who tells you that gluing hay to the kitchen wall is a good idea is lying to you.
PISCES (Feb. 19 – March 20): Though you are normally quite a proactive person, progress on an important matter feels exceptionally sluggish lately, despite your best efforts. Stop being so fidgety about it and accept that things will be a standstill for awhile. You’ve obviously dealt with this before – just look at the rest of your life.
ARIES (March 21 – April 19): Someone unexpected will worm their way into your life this week and influence you in strange ways. He or she must have some kind of secret manipulative psychic powers, because they actually manage to get you to budge from some of your ignorantly incongruous opinions.
TAURUS (April 20 – May 20): Self-control really isn’t your strong suit, but you have to try, Taurus. Put the bottle of rum down, refrain from making that snipe at your colleague that you are totally sure will go completely over their head, and delete your ex’s phone number. Or just keep digging that hole for yourself. It’s already roomy enough to house an entire colony of prairie dogs.
GEMINI (May 21 – June 20): A long-running dispute with an older relative will set you off again today. You will unexpectedly fly off the handle and say some really asinine things to the intense surprise of many innocent bystanders. It’s even worse when you consider that Great Aunt Marie has been dead for 10 years now. Way to get kicked out of the cemetery … again.
