Never Seen It: ‘Titanic’


It’s time for another installment in this series of reviews. In it, I take a look at the best and worst of iconic movies that I get made fun of for never having seen.

Today’s edition focuses on the 1997 boat classic, “Titanic.”

Best occupation: “drifter”

What do I do to get this job title? I don’t care, I will do it. I will drift weekends, holidays, whatever it takes. Once, back in high school, I was looking for summer work at a local grocery store. I thought I would apply to be a cashier, but on their application they listed available jobs, and another one caught my eye. So, I instead applied to be a “night stocker.” This, of course, just meant stocking the shelves at night – but think of all the reactions you could get telling people that you are a certified “night stocker.” I’m thankful every day I was not worth hiring.

Best villain name based on a state: Cal

Worse names include Dakota, Joe Montana and District of Columbia.

Worst surprise: the “unsinkable” boat sinks

Didn’t see that one coming.

Best revenge: on an iceberg

You may have sunk the Titanic, but we named the worst food imaginable after you – iceberg lettuce.

Worst fun fact: iceberg lettuce was first called “crisphead lettuce”

Sounds like a gang from Minnesota.

Best re-enacted line: “Draw me like one of your French girls.”

If you haven’t seen the memes of kittens and polar bears posing for this line, then what even gives your life meaning?

Worst re-enacted line: “I’m king of the world.”

Seriously, it’s not ironically funny-not-funny, it’s just not funny. Stop it, odd people on boats; resist the urge.

Best movie I’ve seen today: “Titanic”

Honestly, I liked it more than I always thought I would. Not exactly for me, but I finally have access to quite a few cultural references that I didn’t before. I give it three stars. One for each hour of my life given to it.

Jonathan Greig is a senior in anthropology.

Hi, I’m Jonathan. I graduate this December, majoring in Anthropology, with minors in Creative Writing and Political Science. After that … we’ll see. Maybe graduate school in environmental anthropology. Maybe I’ll finally pursue my old childhood dream of becoming an infomercial host. It’s up in the air. Some of my interests and hobbies include devout sports fanaticism, religious study, and composing country songs that serve to explain the unearthly amount of disdain I have for country music. My band’s called Catfish Hurricane, you should check us out. Well, actually, you shouldn’t. I love writing, which is how I accidentally stumbled into this job. This stumbling into good things is my plan for life in general.