CANCER (June 21 – July 22): Friends and family will come to you seeking wisdom this week, Cancer. Do them a solid and urge them to seek answers elsewhere, like WebMD. Perhaps your advice will finally bring them an answer to the question they’ve been dying to ask for years: “What the *$&% is wrong with my Cancer friend?”
LEO (July 23 – Aug. 22): This week may find you scrutinizing any mirror you pass by, because you are unable to reconcile with being a physical presence in this world and are trying to process what “existence” truly means to you. Also, you’re very conceited.
VIRGO (Aug. 23 – Sept. 22): Everyone is turned off by a tightwad. It’s good to be thrifty, but stealing your roommate’s bagged lunch out of the fridge is just mean. Find a better way to cut corners on your budget, you klepto.
LIBRA (Sept. 23 – Oct. 22): You’re feeling very cultural this week, Libra. So go crazy and eat a gyro for lunch. If you want to take your cultural “appreciation” even further, you could always ask one of your international colleagues why their lunch smells so funny. Just don’t be surprised when you end up in human resources – certainly won’t be your first time.
SCORPIO (Oct. 23 – Nov. 21): Put your life on cruise control for now, Scorpio. You’ve been pushing down on the gas pedal so hard that you’re starting to lose feeling in your leg. Time to ease up on the control-freak throttle a little. Just remember: even though cruise control is on, you still have to steer.
SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21): Many people may mistake your sarcasm for cruelty. Instead, try to start a lighthearted debate match with your dog. Fido’s more on your wavelength anyway. After all, both of your lives revolve almost entirely around eating, sleeping, screwing and crapping all over things.
CAPRICORN (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19): Your energy levels are through the roof this week, and it’s a perfect time to engage in pointless, petty competition with your colleagues. Challenge yourself to see who can pee the fastest, or who can send the most personal emails while you’re on the clock. Your peeing prowess might not earn you a promotion, but it will be handy the next time you’re at a bar.
AQUARIUS (Jan. 20 – Feb. 18): The spotlight is going to be on you this week, Aquarius! Time to set aside your laundry list of issues and put on your self-confidence hat. Just make sure you’ve grabbed the right one off of the rack, as you have plenty that say “DUNCE” that you could don by mistake.
PISCES (Feb. 19 – March 20): You’ve always envisioned your life to be just like the “Twist and Shout” scene in “Ferris Bueller’s Day Off,” but you are slowly beginning to realize that it actually more closely resembles the scene where Cameron hopelessly stares at the Seurat painting while his friends make out.
ARIES (March 21 – April 19): You’ve always admired people who can maintain a visage of chill through a crisis, and have often wondered if you can live such a serene existence. Try this: allow yourself to pass beyond stress, beyond panic, into the foggy apathy of emergency shutdown of all but basic survival functions in your brain. Here you will find your “chill.”
TAURUS (April 20 – May 20): A stray CrossFitter may come knocking on your door this week to tell you the good news about kale smoothies. Calmly turn them away by letting them know that your muscles are already strong enough from carrying the weight of your numerous sins, thanks.
GEMINI (May 21 – June 20): Resolve your attitude problems this week, Gemini. Can’t you try to have a positive one for once? Everyone is sick of the contempt you’ve been wearing around. It’s almost as contagious as that disease you’re rumored to have been spreading around campus.