LEO (July 23 – Aug. 22): Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? Because everyone looks forward to your arrival when you seem far away, but when you actually turn up they find that they have gravely overestimated their enthusiasm for your cloying, sweaty presence.
VIRGO (Aug. 23 – Sept. 22): Traversing the precipice of disaster is always ill-advised, but here you are yet again, hanging your butt out over the edge. You could survive and come out on top, but the likelihood of tumbling off into the abyss is far more likely. Make sure you’re emotionally anchored to something sturdy, even if it’s just your own catastrophic fear of failure.
LIBRA (Sept. 23 – Oct. 22): Try to find your calm in the midst of all the chaos going on this week. If you don’t, you’ll have a week chock-full of disasters, setbacks and misunderstandings. Well, that will probably happen anyway, but this way you can try to project a thin veneer of zen about the whole thing.
SCORPIO (Oct. 23 – Nov. 21): What starts out as an innocent flirtation will soon turn into a life-altering, soul-ruining emotional roller coaster of an experience that will leave your ego bruised and broken on the side of the road outside a remote tundra village. Have a great week!
SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21): Pray that the universe grants you the ability to leap over hurdles this week, because you’ll have quite a few lofty obstacles on your way to the finish line. Try not to trip and fall flat on your face. You’re already unsightly enough without a giant skid mark running down the middle of your forehead.
CAPRICORN (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19): Lately, your life is looking a lot like a third-rate show from the Ringling Bros.: a debilitating lack of talent, not enough action, really bad makeup and plenty of stale snacks. I’d start selling tickets now. Spectators will be lining up for miles to get a gander of this train wreck of a show.
AQUARIUS (Jan. 20 – Feb. 18): Your job sucks, your apartment is too small and your friends and family are cold comfort in hard times. It’s time to stop treating procrastination as an art form and make the changes your life direly needs. Others may not like the new you, but come to think of it, they already don’t really like the current you very much. What have you got to lose?
PISCES (Feb. 19 – March 20): Did you really just say that? Wow, your foot must really be tasty considering all the time it has spent in your mouth this week. Be careful who you’re offending. Remember: the toes you step on could be inside the boot that’s in a fine position to kick you in the ass when you least expect it.
ARIES (March 21 – April 19): Your plan for a quiet weekend will be thwarted when a needy barnacle of a friend descends upon your life and dumps a humongous sack of problems on your doorstep. Stop acting as their personal FedEx sorting center and tell them to find someone else to help them sift through the mess.
TAURUS (April 20 – May 20): Control your temper tantrums, Taurus. Your juvenile paroxysms are appalling to everyone around you. You behave worse than a 3-year-old when you don’t get your way. Toddlers can get away with comporting themselves in this way because they’re cute. You, on the other hand, have no such saving grace. Keep it up and the only person you’ll have left in your life will be your oddball Gemini friend with the cat-hoarding problem.
GEMINI (May 21 – June 20): You never really aspired to be the neighborhood cat lady, yet this is probably one of your greatest accomplishments to date. You’re far too much of a special snowflake to be pigeonholed like that, so consider branching out by adding a hoard of cute hamsters to the menagerie. Hey, at least that way the cats won’t starve when you inevitably forget to arrange a petsitter before going out of town.
CANCER (June 21 – July 22): It’s important to realize when you’ve overextended yourself and it’s time to stop, otherwise you could easily go overboard and ruin everything. Stop at your bedroom door … now turn around … get back in your bed … pull the blankets over your head. There, that’s better.