VIRGO (Aug. 23 – Sept. 22):
You will have a little misunderstanding at the local farmers market after you belatedly realize that “pom” looks an awful lot like “porn” in the right font. Just keep telling yourself that your overnight stay in the holding cell is all the fruit vendor’s fault for not being a little more scrupulous about their advertising.
LIBRA (Sept. 23 – Oct. 22):
You’ve been sacrificing your personal life to put in some much-needed extra hours at the office, and you feel like all of your hard work will soon pay off in a big way. The stars don’t want you to get your hopes up too much; just proceed with the assumption that things will go from being soul-wrenchingly horrific to kind of tolerable soon.
SCORPIO (Oct. 23 – Nov. 21):
You’re absolutely reveling in how sexy you feel lately. If you continue greasing the local hobo, maybe he’ll keep paying you compliments. Your self-esteem will get a boost, and he’ll be able to support his Two Buck Chuck habit. Everybody wins!
SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21):
You’ve applied for graduation, and the gifts have already started to roll in! For years you’ve been looking forward to receiving your obligatory copy of “Oh, The Places You’ll Go!” Instead, your parents opt for sending you something a bit more appropriate to your situation: a box with a copy of “The Road,” a fifth of Jack Daniel’s and a crazy straw.
CAPRICORN (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19):
You’ve been feeling unusually down in the dumps since classes started, and who can blame you? Being stuck in a small dank room all day would make anyone depressed. That’s always been your rationale for not wanting to be locked up in federal prison. Unfortunately your 8:30 a.m. recitation is not far from that reality.
AQUARIUS (Jan. 20 – Feb. 18):
Are you a glass half-full or glass half-empty kind of person? Someone close to you wants to know. In your case, the level of the liquid is irrelevant, so long as the beverage itself contains enough alcohol to make your personality moderately tolerable.
PISCES (Feb. 19 – March 20):
An unexpected turn of events has made your mood completely sour, but it may not be too late to turn it into something sweet. When in doubt, just follow the recipe. Try to keep that “creative flair” in check, though, unless you want your whole kitchen to burn to the ground.
ARIES (March 21 – April 19):
Your will of iron tells you that you you are a powerhouse of productivity and can accomplish anything you set your mind to this week. But your body of carbon and oxygen and stuff is all like, “Naaahhh.”
TAURUS (April 20 – May 20):
This week you’ll spend much of your time thinking of a good way to make a good impression on a potential romantic interest. Try not to be the bull in the proverbial china shop of romance for once, and find a way to highlight your positive qualities without assailing them with the full force of your gargantuan ego.
GEMINI (May 21 – June 20):
You may have a difficult time recovering your positive mood after spending most of the weekend ruminating over a failed relationship from your past. Reflecting upon past missteps can be productive, but what started out as a nostalgic trip down memory lane has turned into an ass-over-elbows tumble down the regret staircase with no bottom in sight.
CANCER (June 21 – July 22):
Traversing the precipice of disaster is always ill-advised, but here you are yet again, hanging your butt out over the edge… You could survive and come out on top, but the likelihood of tumbling off into the abyss is far more likely. Make sure you’re emotionally anchored to something sturdy, even if it’s just your own catastrophic fear of failure.
LEO (July 23 – Aug. 22):
You make a truly valiant effort to give a friend or co-worker some much-needed advice. Contrary to what you think, your counsel is not the end-all, be-all panacea of personal problems for them. In fact, it’s more of an ignore-all, eye-rolling nuisance, like most things that come out of your mouth.