VIRGO (Aug. 23 – Sept. 22):
Switch up your morning routine by trying out a new brand of bathroom tissue. Pretend it’s the lover you wish you had gently caressing your bottom. Maybe this will put you in a better mood, or at least put a damper on the self-pity party long enough for you to get some work done for once.
LIBRA (Sept. 23 – Oct. 22):
It’s a great decision making week, Libra! But just because it’s a good week for it doesn’t mean that you’re going to make a good one. In fact, you probably won’t, so best to just put it off for another time. After all, in the greater scheme of things what’s another year listing your major as “undeclared”?
SCORPIO (Oct. 23 – Nov. 21):
Your passion for getting to know a new person could be easily mistaken for being a bit psychotic. Did you really think that showing up on someone’s doorstep with items from their Amazon.com wish list was the best way to let them know you’d like to have lunch sometime? Maybe if you spent half as much effort on your abysmal personality as you did Facebook stalking your would-be beau, someone would finally love you.
SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21):
It wouldn’t hurt if you were a little more cautious and circumspect in your decision-making, Sagittarius. Doing things on a whim without having to worry about the ramifications is for the young and beautiful—two categories you are decidedly not a part of. If you continue on this manner, the only way you’ll ever see success is if you run for public office.
CAPRICORN (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19):
My God, Capricorn, lately you’ve been more indecisive than a virgin on prom night. The stars’ advice? Just take the plunge and make a decision already. It might be a little painful in the short-term, but so long as you’ve thought this through enough to avoid the most plausible consequences, you might just find yourself having fun after all.
AQUARIUS (Jan. 20 – Feb. 18):
Watch out for schemers and charlatans this week, Aquarius. Someone may be sitting in ambush just to make you look stupid. Not that’s it’s terribly difficult to trap you into—they could put up a box propped up with a stick and a stack of Monopoly fun bucks underneath and you’d probably still fall for it.
PISCES (Feb. 19 – March 20):
Just when it seemed like nothing else could possibly go wrong, this week just had to come and make it all worse. I wish I had better news for you, Pisces, but nope—it’s all going downhill for awhile yet. Even you are fresh out of fall guys to pin the blame on for your crap luck. Curse the stars and heavens all you want, because there’s no one left to yell back.
ARIES (March 21 – April 19):
Stop being such a doormat for all of your friends. I guess it’s your prerogative whether you enjoy being stepped on or not, but I imagine that constantly being trodden on by their filthy shoes would be irksome (especially if they’re inclined to wear heels). Or maybe you just have a weird fetish, in which case that is not any of the stars’ business, so you just go ahead and enjoy yourself I guess.
TAURUS (April 20 – May 20):
Been feeling sluggish lately? A bit tired? Ironic since that’s how your loved ones feel about you complaining about how “stressed” and “busy” you are. The only thing more exhausting than your “busy” schedule is being a party to one of your misplaced anxiety trips. What do you have to be so stressed about anyway? All you’ve done is watch movie trailers and Bob Ross videos on YouTube between brief periods of “studying” (i.e., briefly glancing at KSOL and sighing languidly).
GEMINI (May 21 – June 20):
Your rigorous digging for information is irritating the hell out of everyone. It’s good to be curious if your interest stems from genuine concern for someone else’s well-being, but how likely is that with you really? Keep your ugly snout out of other people’s business and stop sucking up for illicit information before your nose starts to smell as bad as all of your relationships do.
CANCER (June 21 – July 22):
Find it in your shrunken miserable heart to try to act less miserly. You’ve been a dead ringer for Mr. Scrooge lately, and it’s not just your faux hipster glasses that’s begging the comparison. At this rate your friends are going to have to dress up like ghosts to reform you of your chintzy ways. Save them the trouble and try to be generous with more than just your cheap Walmart body spray for once.
LEO (July 23 – Aug. 22):
You find that people are abnormally drawn to you this week. Unfortunately it has very little to do with your bubbly personality and more to do with your ridiculous aesthetic. They may only be interested in you because you look like such a freak show, but at least it’s better than being shunned like usual.