Never Seen It: ‘Rocky’


Continuing this review series of iconic films from someone who has never seen them, or really knows anything about movies in general, is the 1976 classic “Rocky.”

Let’s keep it simple, for my own sake, and do a best and worst list.

Worst use of time: Taking out Rocky’s mouthguard for him to talk to you. He honestly sounds about the same with or without it. That’s a Stallone voice joke, everyone. Bet you’ve never heard one of those before. Oh yeah, we’re off and rolling.

Best early movie burn: “Did you get the license plate number?” “Of, what?” “Of the truck that ran over your face!” I’m excited for this movie if it’s going to have a bunch of true city insults.

Best way to ask someone to do literally anything: “…Do you believe that America is the land of opportunity?”

Worst realization: Oh, he trains with raw eggs. I knew my egg McMuffin workout wasn’t going near as well. I really should get around to watching these iconic movies sooner so this kind of stuff doesn’t happen.

Best montage: I mean, we all know it’s the classic montage, but I never knew how incredibly funny the lyrics to it were. The lyrics are literally just singing things like “working hard now!” and “getting strong now!”

Worst exclusion: More boxing. I know this movie is all about the journey, and that’s fine, but there’s literally only two boxing matches the entire movie – at the very beginning when he goes ape-man on some fellow scrub, and the main event at the end.

Best realization: As odd as this “novelty” movie fight is, it’s not too far from how weird and crazy some actual fights I’ve seen have been. When you think about what it actually is, and see all the strange pomps and quirks of boxing, it is just a truly, truly ridiculous institution. In both good and bad ways.

Best movie set in Philadelphia I’ve seen this
“Rocky.” The movie conveyed humor, frustration, vulnerability, triumph and really moved through the story well. It also developed the secondary
characters more than I thought it would, included some classic images and was
generally enjoyable. I give it three stars, only because now the damn montage
song is stuck in my head. Da-da-dun. Duh-da-duuun.

Hi, I’m Jonathan. I graduate this December, majoring in Anthropology, with minors in Creative Writing and Political Science. After that … we’ll see. Maybe graduate school in environmental anthropology. Maybe I’ll finally pursue my old childhood dream of becoming an infomercial host. It’s up in the air. Some of my interests and hobbies include devout sports fanaticism, religious study, and composing country songs that serve to explain the unearthly amount of disdain I have for country music. My band’s called Catfish Hurricane, you should check us out. Well, actually, you shouldn’t. I love writing, which is how I accidentally stumbled into this job. This stumbling into good things is my plan for life in general.