LIBRA (Sept. 23 – Oct. 22)
When it comes to resolving a difficult interpersonal conflict, two heads are definitely better than one! The stars recommend a large glass jar for display and a solution of formalin to preserve freshness.
SCORPIO (Oct. 23 – Nov. 21)
This week, you’ll find yourself beating the old, dead horse of your love life harder than ever before, hoping that its incessant twitching will somehow imitate life. The spark has long since left this lifeless husk of a relationship, and positive thinking is not necromancy. Give it up, Scorp and move on with your life.
SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21)
You may find yourself channeling the ghost of the late Billy Mays, as your life more and more begins to resemble an overdramatized infomercial accident. Fitting, since you’re about one more major screw-up away from doing OxyClean demos from behind a wheeled cart at Costco for the rest of your life.
CAPRICORN (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19)
Self-control isn’t really your strong suit, is it? But you have to try, Capricorn. Put the bottle of wine down, refrain from making that snipe at your colleague that you are totally sure will go completely over their head and delete your ex’s phone number. Or just keeping digging that hole for yourself. It’s already roomy enough to house an entire colony of prairie dogs; maybe you can set a world record?
AQUARIUS (Jan. 20 – Feb. 18)
You have spent most of your life waiting for the fickle hand of fate to gently guide you in the right direction. More than fed up with your inattentive dithering, finally that hand has hammered a signpost right into the ground exactly at eye level. With any luck, you’ll be able to pull your head out of your ass in time to notice it.
PISCES (Feb. 19 – March 20)
A deep sense of universal understanding shall grace you this week, Pisces. Sure, it might be the understanding that your entire life is populated with troglodytic yuck-heads and self-serving narcissists, but it’s understanding nonetheless.
ARIES (March 21 – April 19)
Mid-semester could bring you an unexpected financial windfall. It might be a good time to treat yourself to a shopping spree. A great new outfit might even distract from your atrocious personality long enough for you to finally score that pity date.
TAURUS (April 20 – May 20)
This week could be the last one full of fun and sunshine before the harsh winter months set in. Too bad you’re going to spend it indoors, staring at a dimly-lit screen full of politically-charged Facebook posts, cat memes and unanswered emails.
GEMINI (May 21 – June 20)
If you want to get anywhere that’s really worth going, you need to slow down and pay attention to what’s in front of you. You’re impulsive, always putting one foot in front of the other without much concern for where that foot is really going – which is usually straight into your giant gob.
CANCER (June 21 – July 22)
On Friday evening, you will be abducted by aliens in your sleep. You will have no recollection of the event except for a vague lingering sense of confusion and uncertainty. You know, normal college student stuff. Nothing you’ll really notice, anyway.
LEO (July 23 – Aug. 22)
You are normally such a proactive person, so it may be difficult for you to accept that things will be at a standstill for awhile, despite your best efforts. Stop being so fidgety about it and accept that progress is sluggish. You’ve obviously dealt with this before – just look at the rest of your life.
VIRGO (Aug. 23 – Sept. 22)
A long-running dispute with an older relative will set you off anew again this week. You will fly completely off the handle and say some really asinine things to the intense shock of many innocent onlookers. It’s even worse when you consider that Great Aunt Marie has been dead for 10 years now. Way to get kicked out of the cemetery … again.