As a Capricorn, you possess the sort of timeless charm that fashion magazines jealously rave about. The very picture of elegant well-mannered grace, fancy country club memberships fall at your immaculately-pedicured feet, and velvet ropes hastily unclasped ahead of you.
So why hasn’t romance deigned to show itself in the life of this unsteady earth sign? Allow Madam LoCoco to cast your sights on what’s really at the peak of the mountain you hope to ambitiously ascend by pointing out a few boulders that might be soon tumbling down from above.
WORST: Capricorn + Gemini
An apt metaphor for this match would be a DJ trying to mash up a classic 1970s disco ballad with some funky electronic dubstep beats: a complete cacophonous mess that will have the analysts on VH1 rolling on the floor laughing for days.
Your love life is not being directed by Baz Luhrmann, and so this pairing is one that I would Avoid (with a capital A). To a Capricorn, Gemini’s life is a bad one-man circus show: runny makeup, screaming histrionics and uncomfortable spectators all included.
Gemini wants to be the ringleader in all matters, and probably has not yet figured out that they aren’t the one running the show but rather the freakish main attraction in the center ring, and that what they think is thunderous applause is actually the crowd booing their clownish antics.
They always want to be in the spotlight, and will settle for nothing less than 100 percent of Capricorn’s full attention—a difficult situation for the sturdy, supportive Capricorn, who likely has a cornucopia of other less clingy and neotenous friends who rely on them.
As amusing as a romantic entanglement with Gemini can be for the short-term, they are poor long-term prospects for the dutiful and steady Capricorn, who is much more interested in cultivating rewarding familial and platonic relationships than feeding the needy black hole of self-esteem issues and compulsive lying that characterizes Gemini.
If you’re going to cut things off, cut them off fast—the silver-tongued Gemini is a master of gas lighting and half-truths that can trap the meek and conservative Capricorn for years if they aren’t careful. If a Capricorn finds themselves sitting next to a Gemini in a lecture hall or crowded cafe, run—don’t walk—for the nearest exit, and never look back.
Overall: A 1/5 star match.
Your theme song should probably be: “Any Other World” by Mika
BETTER: Capricorn + Cancer
If this match ends up having legs, your home is probably going to look like something right out of “Leave It To Beaver,” complete with 1950s-esque circle skirts and plucky violin music.
Steady Capricorn rules the family and domestic side of the Zodiac, while Cancer is the stoic patriarch. Sometimes it might be nice for Capricorn to have their shortcomings happily redressed by an honest partner—but it can also be off-putting.
Capricorn secretly longs for touch and affection, complete with misty-eyed Lifetime movie moments and falling flower petals, while Cancer might turn their frigid nose up at Cap’s emotional displays, which they see as melodramatic and campy.
At the end of the day, your true strengths will shine through when building a home together—rearing an entire gaggle of macaroni-pitching scamps is an act that both of you regard with the utmost honor, and you are both doggedly loyal to your family values (no matter how much your families drive you up the wall), and this is a quality you deeply respect in each other.
In order to make it work between the two of you (and avoid putting your future offspring in the position of acting as the crazy glue holding the sham of your commitment together), you need to learn how the other communicates.
Capricorn shows affection though sappy sentimental gestures, food and frequent nagging; Cancer expresses love though duty: bringing home a steady paycheck (which Capricorn will dutifully spend on shopping sprees and “things for the kids”), actually bothering to show up on time and holding it together when Capricorn is too busy self-flagellating over some small imagined personal failure and collapsing slowly into emotional ruins.
You’re both closet neurotics, but you share enough common values to make this a solid, lifelong match. And hey, at least this way you won’t have to ruin two normal people.
Overall: A 3/5 star match.
Your theme song should probably be: “I Am Not A Robot” by Marina and The Diamonds
BEST: Capricorn + Taurus
How the hell did you even manage to shrug off your workaholic tendencies long enough to meet is what Madam LoCoco is wondering. However it happened, be grateful it did: there’s perhaps few greater matches than the plodding juggernaut that is Taurus and the sure-footed constant that is Capricorn.
Though you’re both shrewd financial planners, you both share a love of earthly pleasures, which is likely to bring you two together. As much as you both love to uncork the bubbly and enjoy your stint as weekend-hobby hedonists, you always both seem to agree about when it’s time to really get down to business.
Capricorn likes sleeping and lounging more than a 21-year-old after Fake Patty’s Day weekend, and Taurus will always dutifully forklift you off of the futon when they sense that you’re sinking yourself into a depressive rut.
Likewise, the realistic Cap will flog some sense back into the megalomaniacal Taurus whenever they start singing their own praises a bit too loudly or off-key. Capricorn always saves something “for a rainy day,” which is good news for Taurus, who refuses to pack an umbrella because worrying about things that haven’t even happened yet is totally ludicrous to them.
This is a relationship where you will both have something valuable to teach the other: the pleasure-driven bull can teach Capricorn to let loose a little bit and savor life in the present, and nostalgic Capricorn can teach Taurus to look to the past to learn ways to avoid tripping over their own plodding hooves in the future.
If your timing is right—and you’re both stubbornly pragmatic enough to tell when it is—this is a match that could last a lifetime.
Overall: A 5/5 star match.
Your theme song should probably be: “I Get A Kick Out of You” by Frank Sinatra
Iris LoCoco is a senior in art history. Please send all comments to firstname.lastname@example.org.