LIBRA (Sept. 23 – Oct. 22):
This week finds you feeling especially put off by other people’s little habits, mostly because you think they’re doing it for the express purpose of annoying you specifically. This is ironic, since your own quirks are far more obnoxious than anyone else’s — and you aren’t even trying!
SCORPIO (Oct. 23 – Nov. 21):
If you made a wager on the football game this weekend that “TCU will score first, but K-State will catch the Snitch,” you might want to brush up on your sports knowledge before you consider getting involved with the office Fantasy Football league.
SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21):
You’re in a very lively and sociable mood this week, Sagittarius. Now would be an excellent time for you to spend some quality time with some older family members or even your favorite kids. No, not that kind of kid. I mean baby goats. Just get a whole bunch of baby goats and let them run around your apartment unchecked.
CAPRICORN (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19):
This is a good week for tackling money matters, mostly because this might be the last time in awhile that you’ll have any money to matter. The Stars’ advice? Start growing out your facial hair, stop wearing deodorant and go on an extreme diet — that way by the time graduation week rolls around, you’ll look so pathetic and bedraggled that you might be able to squeeze a few extra sympathy checks out of your visiting family.
AQUARIUS (Jan. 20 – Feb. 18):
There seems to be a foul presence in the air today that makes it difficult for you to cope with someone close to you. If you don’t clear the air now, there could be a major clash at an upcoming social event you’re both attending together. You can either confront your friend directly, or secretly throw out their stash of frozen chili dogs. Your call.
PISCES (Feb. 19 – March 20):
This is a good week for fixing things that have been going wrong — including inside your own screwy head. Productivity has been a major issue for you lately, so much that you’ve even procrastinated on finding a solution. Stop making excuses, buckle down, duct tape your hands to your keyboard and cry your way through all of your unread emails. If you start now you’ll be done by mid-January … probably.
ARIES (March 21 – April 19):
Feeling good this week, Aries! You’ve been in such an upbeat and gregarious mood, and your social life is opening up as a result. There could be an exciting fall break trip in your future, too. Good timing, because you’ll have lots of new friends to sign your body cast after you drunkenly topple from that second-story balcony.
TAURUS (April 20 – May 20):
It’s a tense and awkward week, fraught with peril as though you have the problems of the entire world resting on your shoulders. Keep your nose pressed firmly to that grindstone, Taurus. That’s the only way you can start to chip away at that sizable backlog of work. Plus you really can’t afford that rhinoplasty that you are in sore need of anyway, so that’s two birds with one stone.
GEMINI (May 21 – June 20):
You probably should have started the job hunt more than eight weeks prior to graduation, especially since the full extent of your employment experience consists of dancing drunkenly on a picnic table behind the Varsity truck while people throw dollar bills at you. Better spend this week working on resume builders, like removing a thong with your teeth and picking up $20 bills with your butt.
CANCER (June 21 – July 22):
There’s a strong emphasis on solid relationships in your life right now Cancer, and you’ve been trying to spend more quality time with people you really like. Good for you! Just make sure that you’ve cleared all of the dirty lingerie out of your apartment belonging to the people who you didn’t like so much before any of that “quality time” happens with someone you do, or else your good fortune could be short-lived.
LEO (July 23 – Aug. 22):
Improve your working relationship with your colleagues by bringing some harmony into your office environment. Beautify your workspace: anything from doing some minor re-arranging of your office furniture to adding a potted plant or two, to removing your ugly mug from your boss’ direct line of sight will really go far to brighten up the place.
VIRGO (Aug. 23 – Sept. 22):
This will be a fantastic week for you, Virgo. No, I’m serious this time. For once the Stars aren’t just effing with you. Enjoy this beautiful, fleeting time of joy before your life inevitably descends into a deep, dark hopeless night without end.