Aquarians have the unique ability to combine their bohemian creativity and cold, hard logic into pure unadulterated genius…except when it comes to romance. You probably rolled your eyes just now when you read the word “romance”, didn’t you? You probably like to tell yourself that you’re alone because nobody understands your “vision”, which you’d probably realize is a complete crock of $#!& if you didn’t go into anaphylaxis every time you got close to having feelings. Don’t panic, Aquarius—Madam LoCoco is here to guide you safely through the empty, barren desert of your heart.
WORST: Pisces + Aquarius
Pisces would be the perfect match for you if you were looking for a deep, long-lasting romantic partnership full of substance, challenge and mystery… but you’re not. You’re going to have to make yourself pretty damn uncomfortable in order to make this work, and that might mean stepping up to the edge of the feelings diving board and plunging yourself into the spine-chilling waters of commitment…shudder.
Intimacy is not your strong suit, and the introspective, broody atmosphere that a Pisces practically radiates makes you break out in hives. Although a casual friendship might make you feel like you have your own personal sherpa-guru hybrid to lead you through the murky swamp of emotional involvement, things like spirituality, aesthetics and feeling are totally lost on your clinical pretentious ass, and after a while Pisces will probably get tired of wasting their precious time.
A tenuous friendship you might survive, but if you try to take things much deeper than that, you’ll end up feeling drowned while Pisces tries to hold your fat head beneath the putrescent waters of self-introspection. Rather than connecting on a deep emotional level, you tend to compensate with “charm…” the problem is, the funnyman, straightman schtick doesn’t work with you two, and Pisces will soon become immune to the pull of your playful pranks and cutting quips. There are better matches out there, for sure—about nine or 10 of them, actually.
Overall: A 1/5 star match.
Your theme song should probably be: “Love Me Dead” by Ludo
BETTER: Scorpio + Aquarius
What separates Scorpios from other water signs (with whom you traditionally do not mix well) is that they have a much longer fuse. Beware, however, for at the end of that long fuse is a very, very large bomb, which Aquarius hardly has the emotional or psychological wherewithal to even begin knowing how to diffuse. Scorpios are intense, mysterious and ambitious people with 20 gallons of sex appeal in a 10 gallon bucket and a complex psyche.
You, Aquarius, are a goofy class clown who avoids your feelings and then expels them in embarrassing, sloppy explosions of inappropriate sentiment. You’ll certainly be an odd couple: your lifestyles and interests are likely vastly different. Fortunately, where another sign might kick your flakey noncommittal butt to the curb, Scorpio is likely to stick with you because to do otherwise would be to admit failure, no matter how much strain and torment it puts them through.
Scorpios like to dig into the meat of things, and their tendency to peel away people’s layers like an onion to see what makes them tick might not sit well with you immediately. If you’re proven yourself trustworthy, however, (and with a Scorpio you’ll know when you have), Scorpio is unlikely to use your vulnerability against you. Possessive and suspicious Scorpio may need some help accepting that you have friends from all walks of life (especially considering your likely history of infidelity, you dog, you), and Scorpio needs to learn to loosen the choke chain of commitment a bit, which an Aquarius will happily slip out of if it begins to chafe.
Different as you may be, at the end of the day you both desire a mate who’s a bit of a puzzle. After all, what better way to stave off boredom than with constant frustration and uncertainty? Pick an evening to sit down together and look up the definition of the word “compromise,” and this explosive mess might actually have some legs.
Overall: A 3/5 star match.
Your theme song should probably be: “Better” by Regina Spektor
BEST: Sagittarius + Aquarius
The term “best friends with benefits” was practically invented for you two. Your sparkling optimism and free-spirited air-headedness makes you two a perfect pair. Finally, Aquarius, you’ve found someone who appreciates your flighty, independent lifestyle just as much as you do! After all, can it really be termed a “fear of commitment” when neither of you see any point in committing anyway? Ugh, the “relationship” label is just, like, so last millennium. It’s only when one of you dares to mention the word “exclusivity” that this relationship could run into some trouble. Nope, your dealings are best left to mid-afternoon lunch break trysts where one of you leaves with carpet burn and weird hickeys.
You both love to feel like you’re getting away with something, and cherish the adventure of the unexpected (just make sure your equally-flaky partner isn’t also going to leave you with an unexpected rash). Because you’re so alike that you’re basically the same person, you’ll have your work cut out for you to keep each other interested for the long-haul. Just one wrong move and suddenly you could be falling asleep in each other’s arms at 10:00 p.m. after hosting a quiet dinner party… gross.
Keep things mixed up by developing separate groups of friends (because it’s likely that neither of you have any to begin with) or exploring other hobbies and interests outside of your usual thrill-seeking and skirt-chasing. At least that way you’ll have something of substance to discuss when you finally come back together that isn’t what page of the Kama Sutra you want to try out next. Just let things be what they are while you work on yourself, and this will be one hell of a match (just…try not to read too much into the word “match,” OK?)
Overall: A 4/5 Star match.
Your theme song should probably be: “Heart and Soul” by Twin Atlantic
Iris LoCoco is a senior in art history. Please send all comments to firstname.lastname@example.org.