LIBRA (Sept. 23 – Oct. 22):
You’ve always been one to be deeply influenced by things you read and hear in the news, but lately it’s done nothing but drag you into an irrational funk and fill you with gloom. Work on separating your absurd fears from reality unless it’s your goal to end up living in a steel bunker and ranting about the End Times on a pirate radio station.
SCORPIO (Oct. 23 – Nov. 21):
The height of strategic wisdom is to avoid all entanglements from which there are no realistic exits, but my God, are you ever a crappy battle sage.
SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21):
If you’re going to be wrong (and you usually are), at least do others the courtesy of trying to be wrong in public where there are many much more well-informed people around to correct you on your screwy crap.
CAPRICORN (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19):
You need to get better at articulating yourself and communicating what you really mean to say the first time you say it. Make an effort to stop saying, “I don’t understand why people Do That Thing!” when really what you mean is, “I’m deeply annoyed by people who Do That Thing.”
AQUARIUS (Jan. 20 – Feb. 18):
Instead of endlessly searching for the key to happiness, devote your time to tracking down the jerk who locked it up in the first place and giving him a what-for.
PISCES (Feb. 19 – Mar. 20):
If it were going as well as you want to believe it is, you wouldn’t keep asking yourself that question over and over and changing your answer every time.
ARIES (Mar. 21 – April 19):
This week, you shall find yourself feeling suspiciously relaxed and start asking what you’re going to do with all of this free time you suddenly have. Instead, you should probably be asking yourself what important responsibility you’ve completely forgotten about this time.
TAURUS (April 20 – May 20):
Unskippable ads on online videos may be annoying, but learn to appreciate all of the extra time they afford you to think about important matters, like the vast improbability of your own consciousness and the steady march toward your own inevitable demise.
GEMINI (May 21 – June 20):
When you start to lose track of who knows what about you based on what lie you’ve chosen to tell them about yourself, it might be an indication that it’s time to shut your yap for awhile.
CANCER (June 21 – July 22):
Take some time out of your week to appreciate life’s little pleasures, like eating ice cream on a park bench with a friend on a warm autumn day. Also take some time to contemplate how a brain freeze is like life’s reminder of how the things you love the most will always hurt you.
LEO (July 23 – Aug. 22):
Spend some time tonight looking up at the stars as you fall asleep, contemplating how weak ceilings are and how terrible rental codes are nowadays.
VIRGO (Aug. 23 – Sept. 22):
Geez, Virgo, do you ever stop complaining about your lot in life? You need to learn to bloom where you’re planted. Of course, you can’t bloom without putting down roots first, but keep in mind that sometimes the best place to put down roots is in a hot steaming bed of manure.