SCORPIO (Oct. 23 – Nov. 21):
They say that you are never more than three feet away from a spider at any point in time. Look around you. Do you see a spider? No? Are you sure? Maybe because it’s already crawling on you.
SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21):
It may be time to consider looking for a new apartment. You like your current accommodations just fine, sure, but the pest control provision in your lease is not going to cover the strange, creeping Eldritch entities that are surely infesting your utility closet.
CAPRICORN (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19):
Curiosity killed the cat, they say. Actually, where have all of the neighbor’s cats been disappearing to recently? Better lock your doors at night, lest you find out that the cats were only practice. Curiosity is out to get you.
AQUARIUS (Jan. 20 – Feb. 18):
You find that your diet has been lacking in essential nutrients lately. Recommit yourself to drinking a couple of large glasses of milk every day to boost your calcium intake. The Skeleton War is coming. Be prepared.
PISCES (Feb. 19 – March 20):
Thursday will see you attempt to write an existential equation to measure how you are feeling, but then you realize your pencil doesn’t exist. You spend Friday lost in void, shaking, frightened and so, so alone.
ARIES (March 21 – April 19):
Think about changing up your makeup routine. Invest in a nice waterproof mascara that won’t smear when you are dragged to your doom by the poltergeist that inhabits the bathroom on the first floor of your dorm.
TAURUS (April 20 – May 20):
Sure, everyone always acts all excited about “Spirit Week” around football season, but the minute you summon a few spirits and wake the sleeping dead you’re a “necromancer” and “ruining the tailgate party again.”
GEMINI (May 21 – June 20):
Try not to judge your roommates so harshly for being awkward and shy. After all, no one ever plans a murder out loud.
CANCER (June 21 – July 22):
There is absolutely an axe murderer hiding behind your shower curtain. No worries, though. He’s not there to kill you. He just wants to use a little of your shampoo. You probably won’t even notice it’s gone.
LEO (July 23 – Aug. 22):
You lie awake at night thinking of a way to tell your upstairs neighbors that their rowdy noise is keeping you awake and disturbing your evening quiet time. Perhaps belatedly, remember that you live in a one-story house.
VIRGO (Aug. 23 – Sept. 22):
The stars would love to tell you what will happen to you this week, but there wouldn’t be much of a point. Instead, why not just skip to the very end of your life, where you will die bitter, alone and heartbroken while your body in consumed by your 72 feral cats.
LIBRA (Sept. 23 – Oct. 22):
After making a minor typographical error in researching incantations to use during your Halloween seance, you find that you and your friends have accidentally summoned Santa. If you had taken the time to improve your proofreading skills, maybe this Christmas wouldn’t have to be so awkward.