Never Seen It Reviews: ‘Jaws’

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Continuing this best-and-worst review series of iconic films from someone who has never seen them and doesn’t really know anything about movies in general is the 1975 marina classic, “Jaws.” Let’s dive right in.

Worst omen: “The Muffin Man.” With all due respect to the great John Williams soundtrack, the single most ominous moment was when, while waiting to see if the shark would strike again, a kid on the beach started singing this muffin-based lullaby. As soon as a kid in a movie starts softly singing a lullaby, it is absolutely over.

Best businessman nonsense line: “It’s all psychological. You yell ‘barracuda,’ everybody says, ‘What? Huh?’”

Wait, what? Huh?

Worst ‘words said’ to ‘words I could understand’ ratio: The ship captain, Quint. To be fair, a lot of his screen time was spent in an alcohol-induced haze, but still, I understood maybe a third of what he said – and it was all gold.

Worst incoming pun: I knew the ship attack was coming as soon as our gruff characters started bonding out on the open ocean. As soon as I stopped laughing at the “So we drink to our legs” line, I realized things were getting a bit too chummy.

Best sequel idea: I didn’t hear one single mention of the statistic that mishaps with vending machines cause more deaths in the U.S. each year than shark attacks. I may be 40 years behind on my movies, but please tell me there is some B-movie out there that is a spinoff of Jaws with rampaging vending machines. Even if it’s just a shot-for-shot remake only replacing sharks with vending machines, I would watch. It’s more likely, and less fun, however, that the horror movie about vending machines I want is just some social activist’s documentary about our country’s obesity problem that took fourth place one year at a Sundance Film Festival.

Worst sequel idea: More sharks. So, I looked it up. There are no vending machine horror flicks that I can easily find, but I did stumble across the actual sequels, and now I’m questioning how they continue the story. There was a deranged man-hunting shark, Jaws, who (40-year spoiler alert) gets blown up in the big dramatic conclusion, and now what? His shark kids, whom he taught to seek revenge, are loose? Do they have “freaking laser beams” on their heads? Is the secret behind this series really that Aquaman has turned evil?

Best fishing movie I’ve seen this week: “Jaws.” I give the film four stars.

Though many lives were tragically lost and our heroes went through a horrific ordeal in which they were almost eaten alive, you know what they say — the worst day of fishing still beats the best day of working.

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Jonathan Greig
Hi, I’m Jonathan. I graduate this December, majoring in Anthropology, with minors in Creative Writing and Political Science. After that … we’ll see. Maybe graduate school in environmental anthropology. Maybe I’ll finally pursue my old childhood dream of becoming an infomercial host. It’s up in the air. Some of my interests and hobbies include devout sports fanaticism, religious study, and composing country songs that serve to explain the unearthly amount of disdain I have for country music. My band’s called Catfish Hurricane, you should check us out. Well, actually, you shouldn’t. I love writing, which is how I accidentally stumbled into this job. This stumbling into good things is my plan for life in general.