SCORPIO (Oct. 23 – Nov. 21):
You’re due for a string of good luck this week. Shocking, Madam LoCoco knows. Since you so easily seem to slip into self-sabotage mode, I’d be careful not to do anything to screw this up. If there were ever a week to stay in, turn off your phone and speak to no one, this is it.
SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21):
Lately, your attitude has been more abrasive than a porcupine glued to a package of steel wool. Focus on polishing up your act, or else the only thing that will be shining in the eyes of your friends and family is that “No. 1 asshole” trophy on your mantle.
CAPRICORN (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19):
Empathic by nature, you’re the first one your friends turn to for advice in a time of crisis, but you also have a bad habit of wrapping yourself up in everyone else’s drama as a comfy escape from your own problems. Learn how to deal with your own sad little problems first, or else how is anyone else expected to trust your screwy advice?
AQUARIUS (Jan. 20 – Feb. 18):
It might be a good week to stay in and watch sappy Lifetime movies if you’re feeling like as much of an emotional basket case as your recent status updates indicate. At least that way you’ll have a reasonable excuse when the neighbors inevitably call the cops on your round-the-clock crying jags.
PISCES (Feb. 19 – March 20):
The muses are really lighting a fire under your ass this week. The heat might end up blasting you off in an unexpected direction, so try not to screw it up by spiraling into a fiery crash landing with your anxious dithering.
ARIES (March 21 – April 19):
Grandiosity is your middle name, huh? You truly believe that you’re entitled to live in the lap of luxury, even though your income is practically peanuts. Enjoy the bankroll while it lasts, and start praying you can land yourself a Sugar Daddy before your real one kicks it and leaves your lazy ass with nothing.
TAURUS (April 20 – May 20):
When nothing ends up being as cut and dry as you hoped, you’ll need to start searching for more innovative solutions. Hopefully you still have enough friends around whom you haven’t alienated to help you brainstorm, because on your own you’re about as creative as a colorblind statistician.
GEMINI (May 21 – June 20):
You’ll spend time doing some soul-searching this week, but don’t be surprised if you come up empty-handed. You sold yours long ago.
CANCER (June 21 – July 22):
It’s far too easy to stray from routine this week when the net is vast and the amount of time available to waste is seemingly endless, but try to maintain some semblance of structure if you can. If your boss catches you egosurfing during the staff meeting again you’re screwed.
LEO (July 23 – Aug. 22):
Forget about selling anything to anyone this week, especially your own ideas and capabilities. Even the most obsessive eBay fanatics aren’t buying what you have to offer, which is pretty sad since they’ll buy just about any old crap with a low enough starting bid.
VIRGO (Aug. 23 – Sept. 22):
Don’t ignore the giant angry gorilla in the room. He’s huge and he’s smelly and you just can’t avoid him anymore. The gorilla is a metaphor for your problems, just in case you missed that.
LIBRA (Sept. 23 – Oct. 22):
Keep friends close to you whose moral compasses point due north, because your ethics have been a bit dodgy lately, and their guidance might help keep you on the right ride of the prison yard fence. All “double jeopardy” means is that you didn’t learn from your dumb-ass mistake the first time.