SCORPIO (Oct. 23 – Nov. 21):
Add some creative “flair” to your academic writing this week by leaving Dan Brown-style clues in your research paper leading your professor to your coded conclusion, written in cuneiform tablet in the back of a book buried in a clandestine location.
SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21):
Your energy levels are so obscenely high this week that you could probably launch straight out of your chair and through the ceiling into orbit. A lot of disgruntled classmates and coworkers are not-so-secretly wishing that would happen.
CAPRICORN (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19):
Showing off isn’t going to get you anywhere this week… or ever. You may think you’re impressing the people who matter, but the fact is, no one matters so much that you need to risk making yourself look even more vapid and egotistical than you already are. Save the ham for drama class.
AQUARIUS (Jan. 20 – Feb. 18):
Get on a grip on yourself, Aquarius. Either learn some organization skills that will help you prioritize your mess of a life or get a prescription for some new meds that will make you less twitchy and obnoxious.
PISCES (Feb. 19 – March 20):
You’re not one who’s generally known for your subtlety or tactfulness, but you need to learn to exercise some diplomacy when dealing with people around you. If you go and blurt something out now without thinking things through, you could ruin a career opportunity that would have otherwise proved promising.
ARIES (March 21 – April 19):
Lately you’re like a mad scientist, and your life is your chemistry lab. Your disorganization and squirreliness has caused you to neglect some important things, which is perhaps why you’ve got some interesting “experiments” in your fridge that probably need attention before they gain sentience and attempt to overthrow their creator.
TAURUS (April 20 – May 20):
You’re due for a rather impressive display of willpower this week, Taurus. You’ll eat half a bag of barbecue potato chips by 3 p.m. and then stave off your craving for the other half until at least 5:30 p.m. Wow, that’s some seriously enviable self-control you’ve got going on.
GEMINI (May 21 – June 20):
Think about trying some new ways of communicating with the people who are important to you—and no, I don’t mean by smoke signal or carrier pigeon. Call me crazy here, but dropping your haughty, holier-than-thou tone might be effective. Go figure, people might actually want to talk to you if you speak to them like fellow human beings.
CANCER (June 21 – July 22):
A three-legged cat has more motivation than you do this week. Roll out of bed, brush the crumbs off of the sweatshirt you’ve been wearing for the past four days, put your feet on the floor and start moving! Although the Stars admit this week really won’t be much worth your while, at least you’ll be cognizant enough to bare witness to it.
LEO (July 23 – Aug. 22):
While your outsides may be glowing (thanks to that overpriced body scrub from Lush) your soul is dull and tarnished and your heart is black, cold and lifeless. There’s not a beauty product in the world that can remedy that, fair Leo.
VIRGO (Aug. 23 – Sept. 22):
Watch those flippant remarks you’ve been making lately. You may think you’re just engaging in a bit of good-natured teasing, but people take your cheeky comments much more seriously than you realize. Try not to be such an insensitive #$@%&bag, if that’s even possible for you.
LIBRA (Sept. 23 – Oct. 22):
Take stock of your priorities and reevaluate how you’re handling things. If you keep dumping 100 percent of your energy into things that don’t really matter, before long you’ll find yourself in short supply of everything that’s actually important. Just a hint, those things are probably “family and friends,” not “heavy drinking and immature relationship drama,” just FYI.