SCORPIO (Oct. 23 – Nov. 21):
You may be feeling compelled to try some out-of-the-box thinking to make a quick buck, but beware of this state of mind. Lately, those spam email scams about starting a business from your dorm are looking mighty appealing, but remember, desperation is the mother of all incarceration.
SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21):
You may find yourself inspired to spend some time at the rec center this week, but you’ll just stare in awe at all of the washboard abs and perky butts all around you. It’s too bad that your eyes don’t need to slim down, because that’s the only part of your body that will be getting any kind of a workout.
CAPRICORN (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19):
Everyone gangway! Here comes the multitasking machine! Try not to get yourself to wrapped around the axle about your workload, though. You tend to make a lot of weird faces and strange distressed noises when you’re stressing out, and it’s really uncomfortable for everyone else to watch.
AQUARIUS (Jan. 20 – Feb. 18):
This week you’ll feel positively born-again — and no, not in the religious sense. Waaaaah! Let it all out with a good cry, but don’t bank on anyone else trying to pacify your immaturity with a bottle or a blankie. A rum and Coke might do the trick, though. You can even put it in your favorite sippy cup.
PISCES (Feb. 19 – March 20):
As you continue to hurtle toward the end of your academic career at a reckless terminal velocity, remember an important lesson from driver’s ed: Using your cruise control for long trips might be more comfortable, but that doesn’t mean you can let go of the steering wheel.
ARIES (March 21 – April 19):
Try not to let your insecurities get the better of you this week. Jumping to conclusions about whether your partner was trying to cheat on you or trying to screw you over will only make you look like a fool if you’re wrong. And even if you’re right, you’ll look like a dramatic jackass and you’ll be single, to boot.
TAURUS (April 20 – May 20):
You’re as desperate as a dog begging underneath the Thanksgiving table. Stop being so single-mindedly obnoxious in your pining. You’ll eventually get what you want. You almost always do.
GEMINI (May 21 – June 20):
Look at you go, Gemini. This week you are more lovelorn and passionate than the steamiest Spanish telenovela. Hopefully, your intended beau will be speaking your language (if you know what I mean), but make sure you aren’t just mistranslating. They’re probably just trying to tell you, “Adios.”
CANCER (June 21 – July 22):
Airheaded buffoons are swarming around you this week like moths around a porch light, and the people who you irritate on a daily basis with their incessant whining are eating up whatever it is that you’re subconsciously putting out… and your patience with it. Payback’s a bitch, ain’t it?
LEO (July 23 – Aug. 22):
People around you are starting to pick up on the fact that you’re all mach and no vector. Before long, people are just going to start tossing your big talk of lofty goals right out the window. Cut the B.S., take the job in food service and keep your mouth shut until you’re ready to actually go after what you say you want.
VIRGO (Aug. 23 – Sept. 22):
You’ll find that one of life’s greatest gifts is finding that special person who is not completely draining to spend time with. Life’s greatest curse is that you’ll only ever meet maybe three of them. Life’s greatest statistical inconvenience is that you’ll almost never be one of each other’s three people at the same time.
LIBRA (Sept. 23 – Oct. 22):
You’re positively vibrating with creative energy this week, but maybe making origami fortunetellers out of sticky notes on your desk isn’t the most productive use of that sudden influx. Try to be a little more efficient — and mature — in your artistry and you might not end up unemployed and starving to death.