Zodiac Compatibility with Madam LoCoco: Cancer

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WORST: Cancer + Libra

Though initially drawn to each other by the love of all that is harmonious and domestic, your relationship could soon begin to resemble the aftermath of a horde of temperamental toddlers at the hometown buffet: the echoes of tantrums, food smearing the walls and the shellshocked looks of the bystanders who will be left to clean the whole mess up.

Cancer’s tendency to disguise their true feelings and lash out in bouts of selfish moodiness when their unvocalized needs are not met will not sit well with the easygoing and harmonious Libra. Cancers have a nasty habit of being vindictive, which won’t play nicely with Libra’s tendency to roll over and play dead in the midst of a conflict.

A braver Libra might have plans to pry the cantankerous Cancer out of their shell, but this is likely to result in nothing but an even more withdrawn and cranky Cancer and a Libra with a lot of pinched fingers. Not that Libra is without fault — your tendency to overthink mountains into molehills could turn a minor disagreement with a moody cancer into a full-blown code red catastrophe.

These two will do best in a relationship that gives both signs some distance from the other’s obnoxious idiosyncrasies, so steer clear of romance and keep your interactions limited to five-minute-long coffee and bull sessions over copies of Interior Design Digest after class.

Overall: A 1/5 star match.

Your theme song should probably be: “Do I Wanna Know?” by Arctic Monkeys.

BETTER: Cancer + Sagittarius

Talk about having different styles! Not only are you not of the same cloth, but you’re entirely different classes of garments. Sagittarius is like a neon-colored crushed velvet leisure suit, and Cancer is a classic Burberry plaid trench coat.

Cancer is the steady domestic center of heart and family with a well-hidden gooey center. Sagittarius is the restless transient Jack Kerouac wannabe who loves nothing more than launching themselves into flights of fancy, leaving nothing behind them except the echoing sound of the loose ends of their emotional shackles as they make a break for it. Depending on the Sagittarius, Cancer can either make them feel smothered and tied down, or totally nurtured and secure. (After all, even flighty Sag needs someplace safe to crash when they finally do come down out of the clouds.)

Cancer loves nothing more than to smother their loved ones in affection, and it can be a relief to the always-on Sagittarius to be able to come home to a home-cooked meal, a warm bed and a doting and attentive partner. The trouble will start when Sagittarius stops coming home (and they will).

When Sagittarius neglects Cancer’s need for intimacy, starts roving about with a new crowd of rowdy rebels or absconds to parts unknown to traipse through adventures on their own, Cancer’s laundry list of insecurities will start to build and build until it finally topples over like a heavy book from a high shelf and they become crushed under the weight of their own abandonment issues.

What the Crab must realize is that a pretty bird inside a cage in still a bird, and if you don’t let it fly around outside every once in awhile, it’ll destroy your home, make restless racket at all hours of the day and night and crap all over everything you love. As much as you know it’s going to hurt, open the window, Cancer, and let this one go.

Overall: A 1/5 star match.

Your theme song should probably be: “From Afar” by Vance Joy.

BEST: Cancer + Scorpio

Twin water signs with many legs, impenetrable exoskeletons of outward stoicism and deeply contemplative natures, you two are an ideal match. You’re both highly suspicious people, slow to trust and constantly looking over your shoulder, so it seems odd that you would so intuitively and effortlessly let each other in, but here we are.

This pair is one of the rare astrological matches that can truly “mate for life,” and the emotional facets of your partnership have the ability to deepen into a level of intimacy and understanding that few couples ever reach.

With you two, sentimental romantic occasions will never pass by unacknowledged: birthdays, Valentine’s Day, the five month anniversary of the first time you farted in front of each other. All will be celebrated with wine, roses and round after round of sex so raunchy that it would cause every nun within a 10-mile radius to burst into flames spontaneously. Unfortunately for your neighbors, you feel safe enough together to try just about anything.

The challenge here will be breaking the ice, since both of you tend to withdraw into red-faced, stuttering fits or default back to icy aloofness around potential love interests. Help usher the awkward phase out by talking about books, music or politics — anything but your feelings, ugh. You will quickly find that you enjoy each other’s company almost effortlessly, and before you know it, you’re joined at the hip.

Watch out — control is a huge challenge for you both, and those “rough edges” you love each other for can easily cut your partner down in fits of jealous, possessive rage. Your mate has most of the same hot buttons that you do, so try not to push them just because you’re feeling spiteful. But if Cancer can learn to communicate better when they’re in an emotionally bad place and need a hand (or pincher) up, you two will go far. Just, for the love of all that is good and holy, please rent an apartment with soundproofing in the walls.

Overall: A 5/5 star match.

Your theme song should probably be: “Stand Inside Your Love” by Smashing Pumpkins.

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Iris LoCoco
Iris LoCoco is a sophomore in computer science and 2015 K-State graduate in art history.