Slightly sarcastic horoscopes for the week of Dec. 1

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SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21):

Apply some of that peppermint latte-generated energy toward keeping your big yap shut. If you keep running your mouth, it’s bound to land you in an awkward situation (for the umpteenth time this year). Here’s a potential New Year’s resolution for you: think before you speak.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19):

Nobody is in the mood to hear you harp on about your heavy issues again. Lately, you’ve been such a drama monger over every little thing that all of your friends are just praying you’ll close the curtain. It’s time to call intermission before all of your friends decide to leave the theater permanently.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20 – Feb. 18):

Make some plans to get all of your friends together this weekend … that is, if you still have any. If you don’t, make a trip down to the local PetSmart and spend some time with some of the least judgmental creatures you could ever hope to meet. It will be much more difficult for a creature with a three-second attention span to realize how awful you are.

PISCES (Feb. 19 – March 20):

Aww, isn’t your dogged idealism endearing? Actually, no, it isn’t. Your hopeful delusions are going to do nothing but further disappoint you. Suck it up and accept the fact that sometimes life is just hopefully crappy and miserable. It’s not permanent … probably.

ARIES (March 21 – April 19):

You need to do something crazy to release all of that pent-up aggression. It wouldn’t be the first time you did something stupid in the name of self-soothing. Need Madam LoCoco to refresh your memory? Just think back to your first semester of freshman year…

TAURUS (April 20 – May 20):

Letting yourself get caught up in the hustle and bustle of things might be a little risky, but it’s well worth the gamble. You desperately need to start chipping your way out of that boring, conservative little chrysalis you’ve been languishing in.

GEMINI (May 21 – June 20):

It’s really in your best interest to restrain from committing to any additional financial obligations this week. You can hardly keep track of how much you have in your wallet, let alone what’s in your 401K. Consider seeking professional financial help. Also, consider seeking another sort of professional help, but only after you have your finances in order.

CANCER (June 21 – July 22):

This week might seem like an uphill struggle, but you have to trust that things will level back out eventually if you just persevere. Or you could just stop fighting gravity and take a tuck-and-roll tumble down the hill instead. Might be more fun that way.

LEO (July 23 – Aug. 22):

Spend some time this week planning a fun road trip. Perhaps the change of scenery will help you forget about all of the detours you’ve been taking in your academic life lately. It’s not very likely to work, but hey, at least it’s more exciting than spending another weekend Googling for dirt on all of your friends.

VIRGO (Aug. 23 – Sept. 22):

’Tis the season, and it’s time to put some effort into increasing your goodwill to man. Your housemates are sick of you stealing change out of the community beer jar so you can buy yourself lottery tickets and scratch cards. And you wonder why you never win.

LIBRA (Sept. 23 – Oct. 22):

You’re feeling suffocated beneath a sea of meaningless details and frustrating minutiae this week, Libra. You can either freak out like you usually do and hope that your useless flailing will somehow save you from drowning, or you can finally attempt to organize yourself enough that you can stay afloat through the end of the semester. Don’t expect anyone else to take pity on you and throw you a life preserver.

SCORPIO (Oct. 23 – Nov. 21):

You’ve been dealing with a few sticky issues in your private life and the energy it takes to keep it all under wraps is starting to drain you in an existential way. Take a day to be even more selfish than you usually are: get a massage, treat yourself to a nice dinner and laze about like a sloth. You’re good at that.

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Iris LoCoco
Iris LoCoco is a sophomore in computer science and 2015 K-State graduate in art history.