WORST: Leo + Scorpio
This explosive relationship is positively dripping with power plays, which you both find infuriating and intoxicating in equal parts. In a lot of ways, you are polar opposites. In most ways, actually.
Secretive Scorpio hates feeling vulnerable, especially in front of other people, but behind closed doors they can find it a relief. You’re both very passionate and imaginative, especially in the bedroom (just put away all the kinky stuff before your friends come to visit for the holidays), and there’s very little that’s taboo in this relationship — unfortunately, up to and including screaming matches over imagined slights.
You’re both very … umm … intense people, and you both get a thrill out of one-upping the competition with your drive and focus. At the best of times, Leo is the glamorous diva, always in the spotlight, and Scorpio is the behind-the-scenes producer. At the very least, this means you won’t typically be competing for the spotlight, which might be this relationship’s only saving grace, but your dynamic will still be a constant battle to maintain the upper hand. You both can’t be the boss —but just don’t tell that to your partner.
At the end of the day, Leo effortlessly engages Scorpio’s vengeful jealous streak like no other, which can ultimately spell doom for this couple. Leo needs to be cautious not to be swept away beneath Scorpio’s powerful, dark undertow and vengeful obsessiveness.
Madam LoCoco’s advice? Break up now. It might be messy, but ultimately it’s going to be a lot less emotionally taxing than the years of therapy you’ll need otherwise. No amount of chemistry is worth this kind of hassle.
Overall: A 1/5 star match.
Your theme song should probably be: “Suffer Well” by Depeche Mode.
BETTER: Leo + Gemini
The gift of gab was bequeathed to both of you from an early age, and you’ll become great friends yammering back and forth about everything from the Wall Street Journal to the writing on the bathroom wall. Your conversations are always intense and fascinating (at least to the two of you), and you’re both well-learned culture aficionados from vastly different walks of life.
Unfortunately, the romantic temperature of this pair is lukewarm at best. The proud lion wants to be consumed by heat, passion, unconditional devotion and an unlimited supply of attention and no-strings-attached praise. Sometimes listening to the “Leo Monologues,” which range in content from everything from rants about their feelings on Donald Trump to today’s latest emotional drama fest, can be sheer torture for a Gemini. When Gemini dares to interrupt the proud King or Queen Leo to hasten them to just get to the damn point already, all hell will break loose and Gemini will be assaulted with the full blunt force of Leo’s massive ego-protection mechanisms.
Leo needs to learn to take Gemini’s prickly, blunt honesty and lack of sugarcoating in stride, not as a personal affront. Gemini should also try to appeal to Leo’s well-hidden sensitive inclinations with traditional romantic gestures. Gemini are masters of tactile interactions and will need to do some very literal “laying on of hands” to sate the, err… “affection-hungry” Leo. Don’t be afraid to blow a little smoke up Leo’s ass. Chances are they’re kinky perverts and will probably enjoy it, and anyway, Leo’s become an utter nightmare to deal with without regularly-dispensed doses of unearned praise.
Go ahead and gush and flatter as much as necessary — we all know it won’t be the most insincere thing to ever pass through Gemini’s lips. Meanwhile, Leo should keep an army of patient, thick-skinned friends on speed dial, since Gemini is the last person who’s going to act as your unofficial romantic shrink, psychic hotline, life coach or social director. Spread the demands around, because you both have plenty.
Overall: A 3/5 star match.
Your theme song should probably be: “Holding On and Letting Go” by Ross Copperman.
BEST: Leo + Sagittarius
Kaboom! Light the firecrackers and settle in to watch the sparks fly. This is an exciting match of two highly compatible fire signs, filled with adventure and show-stopping chemistry. You are both dedicated intellectuals and lifelong students of the world, juggling may different projects and interests. The most fascinating of all? Each other.
While neither of you has much interest in staying at home to keep the domestic fires well-stoked, that’s perfectly fine with you. Conversation and creativity are much more important to you than dust-free shelves and homemade dinners. You’d both be perfectly fine eating takeout when the fridge gets empty and keeping warm by the fire because someone forgot to pay the power bill (again).
Living on the edge can be a thrill, as long as you don’t send each other careening off the cliff of irresponsibility, but financial management is a notorious Achilles’ heel for the both of you.
During more trying times, you certainly do know how to push each other’s buttons, and you can both be emotionally taxing with your flair for the dramatic. Leo has a much greater need for attention and lavish praise than Sagittarius, and it might be a struggle to get Sagittarius (who values truthfulness above all else) to put their scruples aside and assuage a struggling Leo with the love and attention they need, earned or not.
Sagittarius needs to rosin up their bow and learn to fiddle, dance and sing Leo’s praises anyway, if for no other reason than to prevent the soul-ruining meltdown that will occur if Leo doesn’t feel special enough.
Much like a late-model import car, a little bit of preventative maintenance can keep Leo purring happily for years, and it frees up Sagittarius’ precious time for more “worthy” endeavors like reading the latest hoity-toity novel or traveling abroad to make an independent documentary film.
Should things ever start to get dull, you can both … wait, who is Madam LoCoco kidding? Nothing will ever be routine about this match. Buckle up, check your mirrors and enjoy your time together. This is going to be the road trip of a lifetime.
Overall: A 5/5 star match.
Your theme song should probably be: “Fun” by Troye Sivan.