SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21):
In a last-ditch effort to discover where your passions truly lie in life, you will hire a personal life coach. You will pay this person a significant lump sum of money only to have them inform you that you aren’t actually terribly skilled at much of anything. They’ll cash your check anyway.
CAPRICORN (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19):
Your plan for a quiet weekend will be thwarted when a needy barnacle of a friend descends upon your life and dumps a humongous sack of problems on your doorstep. Stop acting as their personal FedEx sorting center and tell them to find someone else to help them sift through the mess.
AQUARIUS (Jan. 20 – Feb. 18):
If you find you’re feeling a bit bored with yourself this week, look for a way to transform your personal style or rekindle your love of an old talent (hello again, high school marching band baton). Of course, once the novelty wears off and you’ve given your roommate a concussion, you’ll be back to feeling humdrum and listless, as usual.
PISCES (Feb. 19 – March 20):
Later this week you will be gifted with the opportunity to become all indignant about someone paying what you think is a totally inappropriate amount of attention to you, but simultaneously you’ll be secretly gleeful that you’re getting any kind of attention at all.
ARIES (March 21 – April 19):
Your rampant hypochondria and paranoid delusions are completely ruining your interpersonal relationships. Why don’t you try typing, “What the hell is the matter with me?” into WebMD and see what pops up?
TAURUS (April 20 – May 20):
The old adage “history repeats itself” rings especially true with you this week after reflecting upon some of the stories your older relatives have told you over the break. It may start to dawn on you where some of those bad traits come from. Too bad you can’t learn from mistakes that are purely biological in nature.
GEMINI (May 21 – June 20):
Looks like someone has been bitten by the morality bug this week. Your friends are all raising their eyebrows in disbelief that you actually seem to have developed a conscience. Your noble knight act won’t last long, though — only just long enough for you to get something you really want.
CANCER (June 21 – July 22):
Ahh, love is in the air. Or at least it’s wafting over the fence from the neighbors’ house. You’re tired of feeling like love is booming all around you while you’re stuck feeling like a wilting flower. Cheer up, buttercup. You’ll have a honeybee suckling on your sweet nectar before you know it.
LEO (July 23 – Aug. 22):
Do your research about a situation before fully committing yourself to it, especially if it’s one that will require you to rely on others. If your gut is telling you that someone is out to screw you over, then you’re probably right. Remember: When in doubt, assume that people suck.
VIRGO (Aug. 23 – Sept. 22):
Try not to throw a conniption if your plans don’t immediately progress how you envisioned them. Your lack of progress probably has something to do with your own stubborn rigidity. Aim to be as flexible as you were with that one-night stand from the yoga studio not too long ago, and all of your problems will probably work themselves out.
LIBRA (Sept. 23 – Oct. 22):
It’s the holiday season once more and you are itching to entertain. Break out that well-hidden talent of yours, Libra. Contrary to popular opinion, playing two kazoos with your nose simultaneously is actually quite a useful skill to master. Practice your art diligently and soon you will be able to harmonize with yourself.
SCORPIO (Oct. 23 – Nov. 21):
You can stay up all night studying and preparing, but even the most perfunctory facts slip through your brain like a sieve. No matter how much effort you put into whatever you’re doing, I wouldn’t be holding out for a miraculous turnaround. Good practice is no match for bad genetics.