Slightly sarcastic horoscopes

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CAPRICORN (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19): Don’t cry because your birthday month is over, smile because you actually had one. Be grateful, you selfish goat.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20 – Feb. 18): Try something new this week. Like actually going to class.

PISCES (Feb. 19 – March 20): No one wants to hear about what you did over winter break. We all know it was nothing.

ARIES (March 21 – April 19): You weren’t planning on graduating this semester, right? Because that’s not happening.

TAURUS (April 20 – May 20): Why did you even bother coming back to school? You’re just going to sleep through syllabus week anyway.

GEMINI (May 21 – June 20): You’re right, about literally everything. Never let yourself (or anyone else) forget that. Just don’t be surprised when no one cares.

CANCER (June 21 – July 22): Your new life motto should be: “It is what it is … until it is something entirely different that no useless ‘life motto’ can explain.”

LEO (July 23 – Aug. 22): Take advantage of the fresh start this new semester brings. Just enough time has passed for everyone to forget you.

VIRGO (Aug. 23 – Sept. 22): Pick your seats wisely this week. That is all.

LIBRA (Sept. 23 – Oct. 22): Don’t sit next to any Virgos this week. That is all.

SCORPIO (Oct. 23 – Nov. 21): Hopefully the suffering you endured last semester prepared you for this one. It probably didn’t though.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21): Get stuff done this week, Sagittarius, because motivation is an elusive and fickle bitch that you will never hold again.

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