Slightly sarcastic weekend horoscopes

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AQUARIUS (Jan. 20 – Feb. 18): Before you go out partying this weekend, avoid small children. Something tells me that their sticky little hands will definitely ruin that outfit.

PISCES (Feb. 19 – March 20): This weekend, try your best to remind your significant other that you’re not an emotional psycho when you drink. They really don’t like it when you yell at them about something trivial and then force them to make you mashed potatoes.

ARIES (March 21 – April 19): Sweetheart, it is the dead of winter. In the middle of Kansas. Stop wearing tank tops. And short skirts. And sandals. You’re breaking your mother’s heart and also increasing your risk for hypothermia.

TAURUS (April 20 – May 20): Remember that time you got in a fight with a stranger because they looked at you weird? No? How about that time you got in three fights with three strangers in front of the police? Yeah. Let’s avoid jail time this weekend, my friend.

GEMINI (May 21 – June 20): Look at your life. Look at your choices. That is all.

CANCER (June 21 – July 22): Last weekend, you stayed home and counted your collection of stamps and tried to give your cat a bath. Can we maybe try to make some friends and venture into the outside world this weekend, champ?

LEO (July 23 – Aug. 22): No one likes the person who pees in the pantry. But if you have a really good reason to pee in the pantry, make sure you don’t get caught this time.

VIRGO (Aug. 23 – Sept. 22): My dear friend, you’re not as young as you once were. You can’t handle 22 shots and then go to work the next day. It’s best if you just stay home this weekend.

LIBRA (Sept. 23 – Oct. 22): DO NOT leave your house this weekend. It’s not for your safety, it’s for everyone else’s.

SCORPIO (Oct. 23 – Nov. 21): I’m just going to say it: you’re definitely going to get vomit all over you this weekend, because someone who should have stayed home decided to ignore my mystical warning.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21): Your roommate really hates it when you come home and drunkenly decide you can’t wait until morning to tell them all about the idiotic things you did. They may sound super cool while you’re drunk, but you really just sound like a dumbass.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19): On the real, you’re probably a really cool person. The people you hang out with make you seem like a tool though. You should reconsider the people you’re around before hitting on the hottie at the end of the bar.

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Karyn Elliott
Howdy! I am the managing copy chief, and I am weirdly passionate about commas and coffee.