AQUARIUS (Jan. 20 – Feb. 18): Happy birthday month, Aquarius! Sucks that you’re going to get a cold this week that will last until Feb. 18.
PISCES (Feb. 19 – March 20): Every week is a new week to be a better person! Except this one. You’ll continue to suck through Friday.
ARIES (March 21 – April 19): Avoid anything and anyone that reminds you of your responsibilities. Feel free to show this to your professor for an excused absence.
TAURUS (April 20 – May 20): Sharpen your horns, Taurus. You’re going to need them for the fight you’re going to start with your roommates.
GEMINI (May 21 – June 20): Call your mom. She worries that you’re not trying hard enough. In everything.
CANCER (June 21 – July 22): I don’t know how to break it to you … so I won’t. Good luck.
LEO (July 23 – Aug. 22): You’re going to get the urge to workout this week, Leo. Resist the temptation. Nothing good will come from it.
VIRGO (Aug. 23 – Sept. 22): Your life is not interesting enough to warrant this 24/7 snap story you’ve got going on. So stop it.
LIBRA (Sept. 23 – Oct. 22): Stop complaining about how your parents refused to pay for your bills. It makes you look like an entitled asshole that will crash and burn post graduation.
SCORPIO (Oct. 23 – Nov. 21): Please, for the safety of you and everyone within a two-block radius, leave bodily waxing to the professionals. You’re welcome.
SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21): I’m warning you now, this week is not going to be an easy one. You’re going to have to bathe.
CAPRICORN (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19): I promise, no one is going to notice that monster zit on your face. Or, at least, they won’t say they did.