Slightly sarcastic horoscopes

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AQUARIUS (Jan. 20 – Feb. 18): Enough tequila shots. Seriously. You’re starting to smell like a Mexican cantina.

PISCES (Feb. 19 – March 20): Just because you’re a fish sign does not mean that you have to drink like a fish. Calm down.

ARIES (March 21 – April 19): Wow. Last weekend was a blur. You might still be hungover. Although that’s probably from your bender last night. Maybe it’s time to reevaluate your life.

TAURUS (April 20 – May 20): I would avoid humans this weekend. And animals. And aliens. Just hide out in your bathroom and you’ll be fine. I promise.

GEMINI (May 21 – June 20): Your liver would like me to tell you that its funeral is on Sunday. You’re expected to wear black and pretend like you care that it’s dead.

CANCER (June 21 – July 22): After a hard week of doing nothing, maybe you should try to do something. Maybe actually do your homework? Maybe hang out with friends? Maybe anything at all? Please?

LEO (July 23 – Aug. 22): Enough with the Netflix. You look like a ghost because you haven’t been outside in three weeks. Winter break is over, my friend.

VIRGO (Aug. 23 – Sept. 22): Running in heels is unpleasant. Wear comfortable shoes this weekend; your significant others have that look in their eyes that that they’re going to do something stupid.

LIBRA (Sept. 23 – Oct. 22): Has anyone ever told you that the first five letters in “library” spell out your sign? No? Well regardless, that’s where you need to be this weekend. Maybe you’ll get lucky and meet someone while you’re there.

SCORPIO (Oct. 23 – Nov. 21): You’re going to do something stupid this weekend, and your significant other will definitely not be wearing the shoes for it. Pack a pair of comfortable shoes to show them how much you really care.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21): You need to hit the books, so a trip to the library it is! Don’t be afraid to ask the stranger sitting next to you if you get confused. They’re not going to be helpful, but they’ll be nice to you.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19): Everything will fall apart this weekend. There’s no one to blame but yourself. No one feels bad for you. Maybe take this time to stop being such an asshole to people.

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Karyn Elliott
Howdy! I am the managing copy chief, and I am weirdly passionate about commas and coffee.