Slightly sarcastic weekday horoscopes

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AQUARIUS (Jan. 20 – Feb. 18): The stars are telling me that you are in for some great lucking this week, Aquarius. I could have read that wrong, though.

PISCES (Feb. 19 – March 20): Yikes, things do not look good for you this week. I suggest hiding under your covers until Saturday.

ARIES (March 21 – April 19): Avoid the squirrels on campus. They know you want their nuts.

TAURUS (April 20 – May 20): I know your stubborn nature makes it hard for you to admit when you’re wrong, so let me help you with that: you’re wrong. About everything. Always.

GEMINI (May 21 – June 20): Prepare for the storm of stupid that’s heading your way. It should make landfall sometime around Tuesday.

CANCER (June 21 – July 22): I don’t know what to tell you, Cancer. You never listen to my predictions anyway, so why should I even bother?

LEO (July 23 – Aug. 22): Your week isn’t going to suck as bad as it did last week, so enjoy that while it lasts.

VIRGO (Aug. 23 – Sept. 22): Your classroom crush will notice you on Wednesday! Too bad it’ll be for … nevermind. You’ll find out.

LIBRA (Sept. 23 – Oct. 22): Your roommates are starting to get sick of your nasty living habits, Libra. Change now, before they move you out in your sleep.

SCORPIO (Oct. 23 – Nov. 21): Just try this week. That’s all we’re asking.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21): Do not accept “no” for an answer. Especially when that “no” is coming from a professor that won’t count your Netflix binge on documentaries as an excused educational absence.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19): Bring an extra pair of pants to class on Wednesday for the Virgo that sits in front of you. Trust me, you’ll both be thanking me.

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