Slightly sarcastic horoscopes

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AQUARIUS (Jan. 20 – Feb. 18): You managed to survive this horrifying week. Enjoy a round or two this weekend. Just don’t put it on your parents’ credit card. They’re still mad about the last bill.

PISCES (Feb. 19 – March 20): Drinking and driving is dangerously stupid. So is drinking and riding a bike. Maybe just call Uber for a ride home this weekend.

ARIES (March 21 – April 19): People in the bar bathrooms are always so nice. They’ll be nice enough to hold your hair back for you for this weekend.

TAURUS (April 20 – May 20): I’d put extra trash bags in your car this weekend. Your passengers are going to get a little “car sick.”

GEMINI (May 21 – June 20): Challenge your inner child this weekend with a super fun slumber party! Except you’re an adult and can drink alcohol, so it’ll definitely be way more fun.

CANCER (June 21 – July 22): I’ll bet you $2 that your cat won’t even notice you’re gone if you manage to leave your house this weekend.

LEO (July 23 – Aug. 22): Try to avoid going to the bathroom at the bar this weekend. Some asshole will make you hold their hair while they throw up everywhere.

VIRGO (Aug. 23 – Sept. 22): Stay off social media this weekend. No one is going to notice your subtweet about your ex’s subtweet. It’s annoying for your friends.

LIBRA (Sept. 23 – Oct. 22): Don’t subtweet about your ex. The drama is unnecessary and annoying.

SCORPIO (Oct. 23 – Nov. 21): You may have a six-page paper due on Monday, but that can definitely wait until Sunday. Go out and have a great time this weekend!

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21): You know Gorilla Zoe’s song “Feelin’ Myself?” That’s how you’ll feel this weekend. Be confident and you’ll have a great time.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19): You’ll have a time this weekend. Maybe not a great time, but you’ll have some sort of something. Good luck!

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Karyn Elliott
Howdy! I am the managing copy chief, and I am weirdly passionate about commas and coffee.