Slightly sarcastic Chinese New Year horoscopes


Monkey (2016, 2004, 1992, 1980, 1968): Not everyone appreciates your meticulous grooming habits, so don’t be surprised when your roommate smacks you next time you pick a bug off of their head.

Rooster (2017, 2005, 1993, 1981, 1969): Seriously, do you have to be such an early morning bird? Shut off your 10 alarms before I throw you out a window.

Dog (2018, 2006, 1994, 1982, 1970): Your lovable nature can’t hide the fact that you stink. Go get your monkey friend to help you with a bath.

Pig (2019, 2007, 1995, 1983, 1971): I’m not going to say this again, but clean your room! I can smell your sty all across campus.

Rat (2008, 1996, 1984, 1972, 1960): Avoid any snakes you see slithering past you on your way to class. They just see you as a nice plump meal.

Ox (2009, 1997, 1985, 1973, 1961): You are going to clash horns with your professor this week over your lack of effort. Too bad you can’t (more like won’t) channel your passion for fighting into your classwork.

Tiger (2010, 1998, 1986, 1974, 1962): You might as well keep doing whatever it is you’ve been doing, which is obviously not going to class. A tiger can’t change its spots, after all.

Rabbit (2011, 1999, 1987, 1975, 1963): Beware of your roommates this week. They’ve been struggling lately and your foot is looking mighty lucky.

Dragon (2012, 2000, 1988, 1976, 1964): Nothing can stand in your way! Except for reality because you’re not real.

Snake (2013, 2001, 1989, 1977, 1965): There’s going to be a few rats on campus this week. You know, in case you’re hungry.

Horse (2014, 2002, 1990, 1978, 1966): Try not to gallop through this week so quickly, horse. You might miss some prime grazing opportunities.

Sheep (2015, 2003, 1991, 1979, 1967): Stop doing whatever your friends tell you, you sheep! Hopefully you’ll learn this lesson before you jump into a frozen Tuttle Creek on Wednesday.