Slightly sarcastic Valentine’s Day-weekend horoscopes

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AQUARIUS (Jan. 20 – Feb. 18): With all the hearts and love that will be floating around this weekend, you should just stay home. Wait until Monday, when all the chocolate is on sale.

PISCES (Feb. 19 – March 20): You put a ton of thought into your novelty Valentine’s Day toilet paper — it’s not your fault that your significant other doesn’t appreciate your sense of humor and your attempt at a useful gift.

ARIES (March 21 – April 19): Don’t worry, your roommate won’t notice that the roses you’re getting from your significant other who lives in “another country” are actually from your mom.

TAURUS (April 20 – May 20): You forgot it was Valentine’s Day weekend. Every restaurant is booked, all the flower shops are packed and you would actually kill your lover if you tried to cook them something. You’re just screwed, my friend. Better luck next year?

GEMINI (May 21 – June 20): The person you spend Valentine’s Day with will be elsewhere this weekend. You’re weirdly OK with it. This way you can sit in bed and eat copious amounts of cheese and you don’t have to look nice!

CANCER (June 21 – July 22): When you receive novelty toilet paper this weekend, try not to murder your loved one in the restaurant. Wait until you get home and remind yourself that they’re just a little goofier than most, and then you can yell at them.

LEO (July 23 – Aug. 22): If this is your first Valentine’s where you actually have someone to spend it with, remember that not everyone is as intense as you. Don’t pop the question. It’s cliche and you’ve only known them for two weeks.

VIRGO (Aug. 23 – Sept. 22): The second you spy a ring box, run.

LIBRA (Sept. 23 – Oct. 22): You’re a Valentine’s Day pro! You’ve been getting the best Valentine’s since you were marching around your elementary school with your papier-mache card box. Maybe this year, though, you can try to avoid stealing the cards from the little kids you work with.

SCORPIO (Oct. 23 – Nov. 21): Remind yourself that being alone on Valentine’s Day isn’t at all creepy or weird. Going to Aggieville to stalk single people, though, is both creepy and weird. Shut it down.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21): Your weekend will be a nonstop romp of naughty fun. Wink wink. Just watch the liquid courage; you don’t want too much courage and not enough fun.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22 – Jan. 21): Love the one you’re with. And if you’re by yourself, then love yourself. Just lock the door.

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Karyn Elliott
Howdy! I am the managing copy chief, and I am weirdly passionate about commas and coffee.