Slightly sarcastic horoscopes


AQUARIUS (Jan. 20 – Feb. 18): Valentine’s Day is over — it is no longer cute to hand out little cards proclaiming your love to every person who walks by. It’s sad. And a little creepy.

PISCES (Feb. 19 – March 20): Feigning interest or understanding in politics will only cause you and everyone around you embarrassment. Telling people Donald Trump is a viable candidate will only make you look silly.

ARIES (March 21 – April 19): So you’ve been a little tired lately and maybe you’ve skipped a class or two, but you better pop some caffeine pills and pull it together. Midterms are right around the corner and your lack of friends in class means you’re out of luck on finding your missing notes.

TAURUS (April 20 – May 20): The stars are telling me that you should probably avoid strangers handing out cards this week. They’re desperate and weird.

GEMINI (May 21 – June 20): All of the chocolate on the planet is half off and you literally just swore off sweets. Stay strong my friend, spring break is coming.

CANCER (June 21 – July 22): You went a little too strong on Singles Awareness Day. You’ll be feeling the effects of this drinking bender for days. Probably at least until the weekend … maybe even next weekend.

LEO (July 23 – Aug. 22): Do you ever wake up in the morning and wonder what you were thinking the night before? Yeah. That’s what they thought waking up next to you this morning.

VIRGO (Aug. 23 – Sept. 22): Things change. Roll with the punches. So your parents want you to pay your own bills and stop relying on them for money, there are worse things out there. I couldn’t tell you what they are, but they’re out there.

LIBRA (Sept. 23 – Oct. 22): Your roommate(s) are a little crazy. They’re always telling you to clean up after yourself and to pay your bills and to stop sobbing in the bathroom at all hours of the night. How dare they be so cruel?

SCORPIO (Oct. 23 – Nov. 21): You woke up next to a bad decision recently. Take some time to think about your choices this week. Maybe go for a jog and run very far away from the bad decision that you’ll see on campus.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21): Being around other people this week might be a little challenging. Probably because you haven’t showered and they’re all debating how to politely tell you that you quite literally smell.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19): Valentine’s Day is over. You can stop gushing over your love for your horrible semi-significant lover — literally no one cares and they’re starting to hate you.

Howdy! I am the managing copy chief, and I am weirdly passionate about commas and coffee.