Slightly sarcastic horoscopes

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PISCES (Feb. 19 – March 20): Running from your problems this week won’t help you. It’s probably best to just confront everything head on. Besides, those angry professors will find you.

ARIES (March 21 – April 19): You’re going to let your freak flag fly this week. The entire community of Manhattan will be concerned for your safety. But more so, their own.

TAURUS (April 20 – May 20): Have you ever read “Beowulf?” Because you’ve been a real Grindel lately. Just because you weren’t invited to the study party doesn’t mean you have to crash and freak out on everyone.

GEMINI (May 21 – June 20): Your obsession with Oreos is spirally out of control. Stop waking up covered in the dust of the cookies you devoured late at night. And for the last time, the reduced fat ones are not any healthier!

CANCER (June 21 – July 22): You spent all weekend making horrible decisions to only drink “trashcans,” whatever that means and vomiting green fluids. The repercussions of your actions will follow you for the rest of the week…in the shape of other trashcans you’ll need to throw up in.

LEO (July 23 – Aug. 22): Your life looks kind of like your refrigerator. Everything in it has either gone bad, is growing something or is in a take out box. Maybe spend some time cleaning up your fridge and your life this week.

VIRGO (Aug. 23 – Sept. 22): Being the total package must be super challenging. You have to fight off suitors left and right. Occasionally though, a crazy one slips through the cracks and you accidentally end up in a bad spot. Watch yourself this week. Crazy lurks around every corner.

LIBRA (Sept. 23 – Oct. 22): Someone will crash your study party this week. Make sure you challenge your inner warrior hero to stop them from ruining everyone’s fun. But don’t pull their arm off…

SCORPIO (Oct. 23 – Nov. 21): You’re going to be sporty this week. Hitting the rec gives you one of two options: falling into the arms of your future spouse or breaking your leg. Try not to do both at the same time.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21): Being crafty will pay off this week. However, your macaroni art will not be appreciated by everyone… The application to get into a museum is much more specific.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19): You’ll see something that reminds you of that one thing that happened that one time that was horrible. Avoid all contact with the outside world this week.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20 – Feb. 18): You started at the top and now you’ve fallen so far. The only way to go now is up. Slowly.

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Karyn Elliott
Howdy! I am the managing copy chief, and I am weirdly passionate about commas and coffee.