Slightly sarcastic FPD2016 horoscopes


PISCES (Feb. 19 – March 20): You’ll be swimming in beer this Saturday, Pisces. Just don’t go belly up! That won’t end well for anyone.

ARIES (March 21 – April 19): I won’t lie, this weekend is going to get weird. You’re going to ram into an ex at some point, but that’s all the stars are saying.

TAURUS (April 20 – May 20): You’ll be seeing more red than green this weekend when your bullheaded temper gets the best of you (again). Just take some deep breaths, plus maybe a few shots, and try not to get arrested.

GEMINI (May 21 – June 20): Though you’re still unsure about your FPD2016 plans, take comfort in knowing that it’s just going to end up like all the others: with a terrible Sunday hangover.

CANCER (June 21 – July 22): You’re going to be such a crabby patty this Fake Patty’s Day. Seriously, it would be better for all of us if you just stayed in your shell at home.

LEO (July 23 – Aug. 22): Your mighty rally roar will be what snaps everyone within a four-block radius awake from their midday nap!

VIRGO (Aug. 23 – Sept. 22): Can you please just try and act cool this weekend? No one needs to see your fake Irish jig. Or hear your fake Irish accent.

LIBRA (Sept. 23 – Oct. 22): Stay away from Capricorns. Your hair and eyebrows will thank you.

SCORPIO (Oct. 23 – Nov. 21): Some friendly advice from one American to another: Do your civic duty and go to the caucuses before tapping that fifth keg. Your country (and liver) will thank you.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21): Forewarning: 20 shots in 20 seconds is not a good idea. Especially if you don’t want to spend Saturday in an Aggieville gutter.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19): For the safety of everyone, I’m begging you to remember that fire and alcohol DO NOT MIX. Unless it’s for a cool party trick. Then by all means, do your thing!

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20 – Feb. 18): Maybe don’t set the bar so high for Saturday, OK? Hangovers may fade, but disappointment lingers forever.