Slightly sarcastic horoscopes


PISCES (Feb. 19 – March 20): This week will leave you battered and fried, so sorry in advance. But hey, look at the bright side: you’ll pair deliciously with a side of chips.

ARIES (March 21 – April 19): What a lucky sign you are, Aries! The stars have no mal-readings for you this week (you’re welcome).

TAURUS (April 20 – May 20): Try not to get so overwhelmed this week. I know it’s going to hard for you to see the light at the end of the tunnel, but don’t worry; impact will be quick and (relatively) painless.

GEMINI (May 21 – June 20): Gloating about your lack of midterms in front of your still-studying friends will result in a emergency dental appointment. But hey, at least it’ll improve your whistling.

CANCER (June 21 – July 22): You’re tired, I’m tired, we’re all tired. Get some caffeine and stop complaining.

LEO (July 23 – Aug. 22): The stars’ say get the popcorn ready, Leo! Your roommates are going to put on quite the telenovela this week when someone forgets to replace the roll again (hopefully they don’t find out it was you).

VIRGO (Aug. 23 – Sept. 22): Patience dear Virgo, your time will come to walk in the sun! It’s called spring break and you’ve only got a week left so suck it up and stay focused.

LIBRA (Sept. 23 – Oct. 22): Sleep will be a distant dream for you this week.

SCORPIO (Oct. 23 – Nov. 21): Hard as you may try, midterms are not going to go well for you. And “go well” is putting it very, very nicely.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21): Pick up every penny you see on the ground. I don’t care if it’s heads down, it’s money and you’re broke.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19): You’re going to be wondering who you pissed off in a previous life to deserve such a week. Well the stars know, they’re just not telling.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20 – Feb. 18): Heads up: everyone in your group project is going to bail on presentation day. Have fun with that.