Slightly sarcastic spring break horoscopes


PISCES (Feb. 19 – March 20): Yikes. I’m sorry to tell you this, but you won’t be returning from spring break with all 10 fingers and toes. So yeah … have fun with that.

ARIES (March 21 – April 19): Though you’re planning on using spring break to relax, that’s just not going to happen. Might as well comes to terms with it now rather than later.

TAURUS (April 20 – May 20): Stay out of any oceans or pools this spring break. There is nothing good for you there.

GEMINI (May 21 – June 20): Forget about your annoyances and responsibilities next week and just unplug. Your sanity (and roommates) will thank you.

CANCER (June 21 – July 22): At some point over break, you’re going to get tattoo fever. Follow it, and don’t listen to anyone that tells you not to get “YOLO” tattooed on your ass.

LEO (July 23 – Aug. 22): If you plan on heading south for break, don’t stray too far from your flock. You won’t find your way back if you do.

VIRGO (Aug. 23 – Sept. 22): Not everyone appreciates your “SB2016” rally cry. In fact, many people hate it. But ignore the hatters, brah. It’s SB2016!

LIBRA (Sept. 23 – Oct. 22): Two words: tetanus shot.

SCORPIO (Oct. 23 – Nov. 21): It’s OK, Scorpio. Nobody really has that much fun over break. In fact, everyone actually wishes they were hanging out at home with their parents too…

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21): Try to remember that what happens at spring break DOES NOT stay at spring break. Except your dignity.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19): Did you really think you were going to do anything but sleep and work over spring break? No? Good, the stars didn’t either.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20 – Feb. 18): Don’t expect everything to go your way next week. I mean, if it did, how would that be fair to the other signs?