Slighty sarcastic horoscopes


ARIES (March 21 – April 19): That weeklong break would have been the perfect time to accomplish all that schoolwork you’ve been carefully avoiding. Unfortunately, it seems that you’ve successfully put it all off again. When will you learn?

TAURUS (April 20 – May 20): Cut the crap. Calories definitely count during Spring Break, and you’ve consumed a small horse worth of alcohol. Give your liver a break. I can hear it screaming from here.

GEMINI (May 21 – June 20): Have you seen the sun lately? Clearly not. I’ve seen ghosts more tan than you. Seriously, you need some vitamin D. Go outside for the love of Pete.

CANCER (June 21 – July 22): When you left for break, you told yourself that you were going to come back a better and empowered person… Well, at least you had good intentions.

LEO (July 23 – Aug. 22): Climbing mountains. Surfing waves. Long drives. It all looked great from your friends’ Snapchats. You always have next year?

VIRGO (Aug. 23 – Sept. 22): You spent so much money this past week. Your grandchildren will still be paying off that credit card bill after you’re long gone. You better find a job. Or three.

LIBRA (Sept. 23 – Oct. 22): It would probably be a good idea to call your parents this week. Not for any real reason — they just probably want to know you’re still alive.

SCORPIO (Oct. 23 – Nov. 21): Good news! You’re going to come into some money! It’s going to come from nowhere, and you won’t expect it. You’ll just have to crack the code on the briefcase. Here’s hoping probability works in your favor.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21): Your trip to Vegas was exciting. Unfortunately, you’ve lost a very expensive briefcase, and soon those loan sharks will figure out that you’re in Kansas… You better plan an overseas trip.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19): You’re flying high this week. Too high. Like you need to return all of the “food” you bought in Colorado.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20 – Feb. 18): Your co-workers have been super annoying. They’ve been telling you that you actually need to do things at work and show up on time. Why don’t they understand that 8 a.m. is hella early to be using your brain?

PISCES (Feb. 19 – March 20): You left your dignity at the beach last week. Don’t worry, the only people who know about it are all of your friends and everyone on social media. I’m sure you’ll save some face by the time that tan fades.

Howdy! I am the managing copy chief, and I am weirdly passionate about commas and coffee.