Willie the Wildcat will be replaced at university events with a live wildcat on loan from the Sunset Zoo, effective immediately. The Student Governing Association approved the change at its meeting Thursday in the K-State Student Union.
“Our current mascot is just not talkative enough,” Athletics Director John Currie said at the meeting. “The leader of our fans needs to be more vocal in supporting our university and athletics.”
The live wildcat, whose name is William, is able to speak. He showed up at the SGA meeting by jumping out of a cake intended for the graduating senators. William campaigned for the change on the slogan of “Give every man a Wildcat’s voice.”
“We need to address the elephant in the room,” William said. “Willie can’t talk. That’s discriminatory against deaf people. He’s not even a real wildcat. He’s a human, which is animalistic to think a human can pretend to be a real wildcat. And a real Wildcat can sing the fight song and Alma Mater. Willie can’t. He’s a fake.”
William was accompanied by his handlers from the zoo. They said William is well-behaved, child-friendly and loves to eat Jayhawks.
“What more could you want in a true Wildcat?” April Fulls, Classy Cat zoologist, said.
Willie was asked his thoughts on the matter, but he remained silent before leading the senators in the “K-S-U” chant.
“See, Willie can’t even fight for his job,” William said. “How do you expect him to fight for a Wildcat victory?”
After the vote, which was unanimous, William thanked the senators for their support.
“I have a ton of respect for SGA,” William said. “I don’t like dirty politicians, and I live in a zoo, so I know dirty. But these people at K-State are really classy cats.”
The meeting ended when the Union turned off all power at 2 a.m. for renovations to change the Cat’s Den into a habitat for William. The graduating senators cried as they gave farewell speeches, eating crumbs of the chocolate cake dipped in sparkling grape juice. William ate what was believed to be a blue chicken covered in red blood, but some thought it could have been one of the long-extinct Jayhawks.
Disclaimer: This article is an April Fools’ joke and is not meant to be taken seriously.
