Slightly sarcastic horoscopes

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ARIES (March 21 – April 19): A familiar scent will send you reeling. It’s slightly anxiety-inducing and makes you self conscious … maybe take a shower tonight.

TAURUS (April 20 – May 20): Be thankful that the largest conflict you’ll have to deal with this week is whether or not to eat yet another pizza. Take some time to relax and let loose. Then next week, maybe try to actually accomplish something.

GEMINI (May 21 – June 20): Supporting your friend’s stupid ideas will be particularly draining this week. On the one hand, you want to be a good friend. On the other hand, they are truly an idiot. Just try your best this week, Gemini.

CANCER (June 21 – July 22): Getting lost in your daydreams is great when you’re in class. The issue arises when you begin teetering between fantasy and reality. No, you can’t punch your professor in the face for failing you. Please don’t do that. Maybe actually pay attention in class?

LEO (July 23 – Aug. 22): Spend some time with your significant other this week. It’s spring time and love is in the air. You better start planning date night, although I don’t know how you’ll top the time you went to McDonald’s and forced them to order off the dollar menu.

VIRGO (Aug. 23 – Sept. 22): You’re so close to losing your chill that it might be best to stay home this week. No one is prepared to deal with your wrath this week.

LIBRA (Sept. 23 – Oct. 22): You’re frustrated with your love life this week. It’s OK — your cat feels the same way about you. Don’t overthink it.

SCORPIO (Oct. 23 – Nov. 21): So you’re trying to better yourself. You’re doing a fantastic job! Just remember that the people in your classes don’t appreciate your jokes like your mom does.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21): Your roommate will finally push you over the edge this week. How dare they forget to do the dishes after two hours? Just remember to wear gloves when you’re burying their body.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19): My recommendation for you this week is to remember to do the dishes. Quickly. Actually, don’t even use dishes. Don’t eat. Just don’t go home. Trust me, your life depends on it.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20 – Feb. 18): Normally you’re levelheaded. Calm, cool and collected. People admire this about you. You appreciate their admiration, but it’s slowly going to your head. And your head really doesn’t need to get any bigger.

PISCES (Feb. 19 – March 20): Your sarcasm is not appreciated, but it’s OK. I appreciate your sarcasm. And who better to appreciate you than another sarcastic asshole?

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Karyn Elliott
Howdy! I am the managing copy chief, and I am weirdly passionate about commas and coffee.