Slightly sarcastic horoscopes

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ARIES (March 21 – April 19): The lack of communication between you and your significant other has reached an all-time low. That’s pretty sad given that you’ve spent a lot of time telling people about your hot Canadian model lover… Maybe it’s time to break up with your imagination?

TAURUS (April 20 – May 20): You’ve been juggling a lot of things this week. Trying to hold all those balls in the air, you’re bound to drop something. Don’t drop everything, though, or you’ll end up alone living under a bridge in a box that you share with a raccoon… But don’t stress about it or anything.

GEMINI (May 21 – June 20): You’re feeling the urge to write this week. Adding another chapter to your Supernatural fan fiction will help to alleviate this urge. And no one thinks you’re weird on the Internet.

CANCER (June 21 – July 22): The Stars think it’s time to move. You need your own place with room to spread out. Your mom just doesn’t appreciate the fact that you never wear pants and want to eat Easy Mac for every meal.

LEO (July 23 – Aug. 22): Help your best friend because they’re losing their shit. It would be polite to share your good fortune with someone less fortunate. This is not at all a pointed message.

VIRGO (Aug. 23 – Sept. 22): Sorry you didn’t win the lottery this week. If it helps, roughly a billion other people didn’t win either. So at least you’re not alone in your loser-ness.

LIBRA (Sept. 23 – Oct. 22): Oh sweetie, it’s a good thing you’re pretty. Hopefully that will help your professors feel bad about your lack of brains and they’ll raise your grades before finals week. Or they won’t. But you might marry rich and that’s positive!

SCORPIO (Oct. 23 – Nov. 21): You’re surrounded by secrets this week. That’s why your hair is so big — it’s full of secrets.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21): High school is over. Please stop wearing your high school sporting event uniform. No one cares. You’re old and in college. Stop it. Seriously. It’s disturbing.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19): Don’t be nostalgic. Reject that high school senior who invited you to prom this weekend. It’s just not worth it.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20 – Feb. 18): Stop being cute. It’s gross. Your overly optimistic outlook on life only serves to make everyone else feel bad about themselves.

PISCES (Feb. 19 – March 20): Pay attention to things this week. Your to-do list is a mile long and you’ve basically given up on it, but you might be able to convince everyone you have it together if you remember to shower.

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Karyn Elliott
Howdy! I am the managing copy chief, and I am weirdly passionate about commas and coffee.