TAURUS (April 20 – May 20): I know it’s a lot to ask, but please try to be patient with yourself this week. At least one person should be.
GEMINI (May 21 – June 20): Enjoy your recent life choices, Gemini. I’m sure they won’t come back to haunt you.
CANCER (June 21 – July 22): I know you’ve been feeling unsure about yourself lately, but that’s OK. Some people need that sense of disequilibrium to realize that they’re an asshole.
LEO (July 23 – Aug. 22): Your attitude has been out of control lately, just like your hair. Try to do something about both, please.
VIRGO (Aug. 23 – Sept. 22): You might as well just give up now and save your energy. The stars are not kidding; nothing will be worth getting out of bed for from now until Saturday.
LIBRA (Sept. 23 – Oct. 22): The luck you’ve experienced lately is about to run out, Libra. Because of this, the stars are suggesting you avoid all campus crosswalks.
SCORPIO (Oct. 23 – Nov. 21): The stars apologize for the hell-on-earth you are about to endure at work.
SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21): It’s not your fault that everyone hates you. Oh wait, it is. Sorry ’bout cha.
CAPRICORN (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19): Stop and think before you react to any negativity in your life this week. That bitch-slap won’t be worth the assault charge.
AQUARIUS (Jan. 20 – Feb. 18): If you remember nothing else this week, then let it be this: People suck and always will.
PISCES (Feb. 19 – March 20): Your new look screams “douche.” At least it’s accurate.
ARIES (March 21 – April 19): The stars forgot about you this week, as will everyone else.