Slightly sarcastic weekend horoscopes

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TAURUS (April 20 – May 20): The stars are tired of your bullshit, Taurus. Literally. It stinks and you need to stop pretending it doesn’t.

GEMINI (May 21 – June 20): You did remember that dead week starts on Monday, right? Of course you didn’t. Time to pull one of your infamous 72-hour all-nighters, I guess.

CANCER (June 21 – July 22): You know, you could avoid all the pain and agony you normally cause yourself by making good choices this weekend. But the stars, and your pattern of behavior, say this miracle is unlikely.

LEO (July 23 – Aug. 22): This is your second-to-last chance to sleep through an entire weekend before the semester ends. Don’t waste it!

VIRGO (Aug. 23 – Sept. 22): Ever wonder what it feels like to lose all of your dignity? Well, according to the stars, you’ll find out sometime between now and Sunday.

LIBRA (Sept. 23 – Oct. 22): The stars are telling you to avoid Aggieville all together this weekend. Nothing good will come from it or anyone there.

SCORPIO (Oct. 23 – Nov. 21): The stars are shining bright for you, Scorpio! I don’t know what you did, but enjoy the good fortune they bring you this weekend.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21): Before you make any plans this weekend, ask yourself: is this going to make me a better person? The answer is always going to be “NO,” but at least you asked.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19): Avoid any and all Aries until Monday. You’ll thank the stars later.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20 – Feb. 18): With all end-of-semester panic, just try to remember what’s really important this weekend: sleep.

PISCES (Feb. 19 – March 20): I wish I could say this weekend is going to go well for you, Pisces. But alas, I cannot. All I can say is that it sucks to suck.

ARIES (March 21 – April 19): Try not to be offended when all of your Capricorn friends suddenly go MIA this weekend. Someone just gave them some bad advice.

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