Slightly sarcastic horoscopes

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TAURUS (April 20 – May 20): You’ve been overly basic recently. We’re talking venti iced caramel macchiato and white converse every day. Let’s try a little originality this week.

GEMINI (May 21 – June 20): Summer is literally days away and you’ve been working on that summer body so hard. The large fries and diet coke, that you actually hate, are doing wonders for your abs.

CANCER (June 21 – July 22): You’ve changed the meaning of the phrase, “Dead Week.” Since you haven’t moved in a muscle all semester, the only way you’re going to get decent final grades is if you convince your professors that you’ve been dead since January.

LEO (July 23 – Aug. 22): Life’s been a fairy tale lately, but just like actual fairy tales it’s going to come to an end. The stars are unclear about whether it’ll be a happy ending or sad ending, though. I think that’s more on you.

VIRGO (Aug. 23 – Sept. 22): It has been a rough couple of weeks. Between being a good student and having a social life, your sleep schedule has been a wreck. Just don’t miss a final exam – professors aren’t as a nice at the end of the semester.

LIBRA (Sept. 23 – Oct. 22): You’ve had some tough times with your friends lately. They want you to do whatever you want. Find your people and get yourself right. Things will be A-OK. Probably.

SCORPIO (Oct. 23 – Nov. 21): Stop thinking about the future and live in the now. The future will come. You’re thinking and worrying about shit that doesn’t matter. So go ahead, have that fifth beer or that second box of donuts.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21): You wanted to be a doctor growing up but sadly, you’re destined to be a garbage person. Like the kind that pick up trash … not the mean kind … so you go and be the best garbage person you can be.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19): Your crazy ideas are driving people insane. No one wants to literally “run with the bulls,” so keep the crazy to yourself.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20 – Feb. 18): You’ve been letting your boss walk all over you lately, stand up for yourself and what you believe in! You tell her that you’re not doing stupid crap anymore, answering the phone and talking to customers; who does she think you are?

PISCES (Feb. 19 – March 20): Time to ball up your emotions and shove them under your bed where they belong. Keep your eye on the prize and achieve that goal. Remember, any pizza is a single servng if you put your mind to it.

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Karyn Elliott
Howdy! I am the managing copy chief, and I am weirdly passionate about commas and coffee.