Slightly sarcastic horoscopes

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GEMINI (May 21 – June 20): Watch your back this week, Gemini. You have a lot of friends, but your judge of character tends to cloud over when someone makes you feel really cool. People aren’t always what they seem. Cats are, though. The stars say you should look into adopting a cat(s) for company.

CANCER (June 21 – July 22): You’ll have a bunch of pent-up energy to release this week. The stars say now would be a good time to take up a new hobby, Cancer. Try whatever strikes your fancy! Lacrosse, marbles, knitting, kayaking — just don’t hurt yourself. You have a tendency to hurt yourself when you try new stuff.

LEO (July 23 – Aug. 22): The world is your oyster — just this week, though. You’d better take advantage of the good luck the stars will bring you within the next few days because after that, your summer will entail some struggles. You’ll have to choose between working your problems like a boss or hiding from them under the covers. It might be best to hide, Leo. Just saying.

VIRGO (Aug. 23 – Sept. 22): This week will have a big opportunity in store for you, Virgo. The stars say whether or not you take it could make or break you. You’d better take it. If you don’t you’ll probably end up living in a cardboard box in the future.

LIBRA (Sept. 23 – Oct. 22): Your thirst for adventure will never be fulfilled if you keep up your lazy ways. There’s a lot out there for you, Libra — if only you’d quit lounging around inside and step out to see it. The stars say a good look at the great outdoors would be beneficial to you right now. Besides, you wouldn’t want your summer tan to start fading, would you?

SCORPIO (Oct. 23 – Nov. 21): You’ve been thinking a lot about all the student debt you’ll have in the future, but the stars say you shouldn’t worry so much, Scorpio. You’ll end up alright if you work hard. Or marry rich. Whichever works for you.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21): Get some sleep this week. You’re starting to look a little run-down, Sagittarius, and that’s not what summer is all about. The stars say if you don’t start taking better care of yourself. If you don’t, you aren’t going to be a happy camper later on — whether you’re actually camping or not.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19): Take a chance this week. The stars say you’re in a good place right now to take a risk all because something good will (most likely) come of it. I wouldn’t go so far as to tell you to, say, kiss a random stranger or bet your life’s savings while gambling, but don’t be afraid to surprise yourself a little. Seriously, though, don’t kiss any strangers. They don’t need a surprise from you as much as you do.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20 – Feb. 18): Quit telling other people’s secrets, Aquarius! As juicy as they might be, the things others tell you in confidence should stay in confidence. You don’t appear to be one to gossip, but we all know even you can’t resist a nice piece of personal information about someone else or the temptation to pass it along. Hush.

PISCES (Feb. 19 – March 20): Try to own up to your mistakes this week. It’s hard for you, Pisces, but you have to put on your big girl panties and take responsibility for whatever it is that you did wrong this time. The stars say honesty is the best policy for you right now.

ARIES (March 21 – April 19): Careful who you tell your secrets to this week, Aries. One of your pals has loose lips and definitely won’t hesitate to to go around telling everyone you know an embarrassing story about you. If this does happen, though, the stars say not to worry. Just hide out in a pillow fort and watch Netflix until it passes.

TAURUS (April 20 – May 20): The force is strong with you this week, Taurus. You’re very in touch with your inner self right now (whatever that means), and your mind is chalked full of creativity. The stars say that you should harness this imaginative energy while you can, as it could be in short supply for the rest of the summer.

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Danielle Cook
Hey there! I'm Danielle Cook. I'm currently a freshman in journalism and mass communications. I live for telling true stories, so I hope to be doing it for the rest of my life. Luckily, I also live for late nights and early mornings – as long as there's coffee and I'm in good company.