Slightly sarcastic horoscopes

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GEMINI (May 21 – June 20): Don’t be so quick to cut people out of your life. Your personality has two extremes, and if you’re going to keep anybody around, you need to start exploring the gray area in-between. It might be a scary place in there, Gemini, but you’re a bit of a feelings hoarder and the stars say now is the time to clean house.

CANCER (June 21 – July 22): Put your pride aside this week, Cancer. The stars say that if something important is on the line, suck it up and stick it out. Staying rational is key for you right now. Whatever you do, don’t lose your cool. If you do, you’re at risk for making some very regrettable snap decisions.

LEO (July 23 – Aug. 22): Don’t let anybody get you down. The stars say you’ll encounter quite a few haters this week, and if you let them get to you, you’ll be stuck in a real rut, Leo, and a rut is a rough place for someone as fabulous as you to be stuck in.

VIRGO (Aug. 23 – Sept. 22): Reconnect with nature this week, Virgo. You’ve been really out of touch with the world around you lately, and the stars say you would benefit from a little quality time outside. Or you could just recycle something for once. Whatever it takes to re-spark your relationship with Mother Earth.

LIBRA (Sept. 23 – Oct. 22): Keep them all guessing this week. Whoever they are, the stars say they respond better to reserved and mysterious than to overly open. You’re a natural charmer, but when you get really excited about something, you can be too much to handle. Chew like you have a secret, Libra. Subtlety is everything.

SCORPIO (Oct. 23 – Nov. 21): You could use a little light in your life right now. The whole quiet and brooding thing usually works for you, Scorpio, but the stars say it’d be in your best interest to switch things up for a while. Pick some flowers instead of picking on others. Wear some pastels instead of wearing some shades of gray. Order a soft taco instead of a crunchy taco. You get the picture.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21): Leave the past behind you. There’s nothing back there that you need to revisit. The stars say this week is the time to let go of old grudges and mistakes and start moving forward. Just keep swimming Sagittarius. Just keep swimming.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19): Work on your communication skills. The stars say your future summer plans will fall through somehow if you don’t remember to at least try to work with well with others this week. And your future summer plans look pretty killer, Capricorn, so I would start getting used to the idea that others have good ideas, too.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20 – Feb. 18): Something new has found its way into your life and it’s got people talking. The stars say it’s a good kind of talking, though, Aquarius, so don’t worry. Just keep doing your thing. Just because everyone is watching you now doesn’t mean you have to hide. You’re happy with whatever is new, and it’s ok to show off every now and again.

PISCES (Feb. 19 – March 20): Party now, sleep later, Pisces. Your friends who are trying to drag you out this weekend know what’s up! The stars say it’s time to give Netflix a break and have a crazy fun night out with your pals (and no, “Orange is the New Black” characters do not count as your pals).

ARIES (March 21 – April 19): Be yourself this week, Aries. You might think faking it, even just a little, will boost your chances of being accepted into a new group or by new friends, but the stars say being fake will set you up for complete and utter disaster.

TAURUS (April 20 – May 20): Get in touch with some old friends this week. The stars say reminiscing on good times past will do your soul good, Taurus. Just be selective about which old friends you reach out to, and note that I specifically said old friends, not old flames. Keep yourself in check, or you’ll open a whole can of memories that involve some less-than-good times.

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Danielle Cook
Hey there! I'm Danielle Cook. I'm currently a freshman in journalism and mass communications. I live for telling true stories, so I hope to be doing it for the rest of my life. Luckily, I also live for late nights and early mornings – as long as there's coffee and I'm in good company.