Slightly sarcastic horoscopes

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GEMINI (May 21 – June 20): Don’t be a bum, Gemini. Everybody knows what you’re really doing when they call to see if you want to hang out and you say you’re busy.

CANCER (June 21 – July 22): You’ve been expecting too much of your friends. If you’re not a mind reader, they’re not mind readers. You can’t keep basing your life off of quotes from “The Notebook.”

LEO (July 23 – Aug. 22): You’re becoming a workaholic, which is better than becoming an alcoholic, but still. You’re going to have to figure out how to balance your time.

VIRGO (Aug. 23 – Sept. 22): Your competitive vibe is rubbing people the wrong way. You should probably tone it down, or you’ll most definitely get thrown out of trivia night again.

LIBRA (Sept. 23 – Oct. 22): You worry too much about how you look. Hate to break it to you, but whatever you put in your hair to make it stay cute all day, doesn’t actually last all day anyway.

SCORPIO (Oct. 23 – Nov. 21): Work on keeping it low key. Most normal people don’t have as much energy as you do. Try to only hit up one or two parties this weekend. You’ll have more fun, and so will everyone else.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21): You should take the time to do some intense cleaning of your living space. Or some intense sorting out of your relationships. Either way, you might find some money.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19): Not sure what you want? Just make up your mind. Seriously. People will start to think you’re Libra or something upon first meeting. Yikes.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20 – Feb. 18): The stars say you need to get your head out of the clouds. This isn’t a Disney movie, Aquarius. Strangers on the street don’t want to hear you sing. And they don’t want to join you, either.

PISCES (Feb. 19 – March 20): Call your mom. You’re disconnected with a lot of people, but your mom is feeling especially neglected. Your pets aren’t really feeling the love either. Quality time is a thing, ya know.

ARIES (March 21 – April 19): Stop disagreeing with people just to start fights. When they say no one enjoys a good fight more than you, they’re correct.

TAURUS (April 20 – May 20): You’ve been mopey, and it’s bringing the rest of us down. Perk up, buttercup, or your summer will start to become more boring than you ever feared it could be.

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Danielle Cook
Hey there! I'm Danielle Cook. I'm currently a freshman in journalism and mass communications. I live for telling true stories, so I hope to be doing it for the rest of my life. Luckily, I also live for late nights and early mornings – as long as there's coffee and I'm in good company.